Flux

I am so up and down today…I feel completely spastic. At the core of my nervous anxiety driven lack of energy to do anything meaningful is that I want to be done with this Ph.D. so that I can just start teaching. I seriously don’t want to do research any more. Getting up in the morning to come to work is like pulling teeth. To make matters worse…we recently moved into new lab space and my normally laid back boss is walking around the lab sticking his nose into everything and driving everyone crazy. The only way to deal with this situation is to avoid him and look busy. Herein lies the problem. I am stuck as far as working on the paper that will allow me to finish up this degree. I received some incongruous data on Friday and the guy that can sort it out and finalize everything so that I can decide just how I want to write this thing is gone for the week. Therefore, I’m stuck. And, while I know that this is completely false…I feel hopeless…as though I’m never going to get out of here. I’m just going to be an underpaid graduate student trying to scrape by in one of the most expensive, traffic ridden cities in the country.

Then again…maybe it has nothing to do with me. Perhaps this is all some kind of cosmic fuck-a-roo for February. If you read Susan Miller…you know exactly what I’m talking about. Not that my horoscope was all that bad…it’s just that Mercury has been retrograde AND we have two eclipses this month.

According to Ms. Miller: Normally you would be able to move forward a few days after the date Mercury turns direct, in this case, February 17, but this month also holds two eclipses. Until you know what news those eclipses will bring, you won't have all the information you need to make decisions for the future. Things are in flux on many levels. At eclipse time we see that we can't control everything in life - we have to respond to others' moves, too!

Most of my horoscope pertains to work. Things changing and getting more difficult at work and guess what…so far it’s right on the money. Part of the problem with what is happening in lab is that I’m depending on other people to get data back to me/finalized. And…well…they aren’t. And…we’ll get to other “others” soon enough, but for now…let’s talk about the weekend. The weekend…that started on Thursday.

The weekend was good…mostly. Valentines day, also known as Thursday, William was sick/in his weird head place so I dragged Lydia out for Mexican food and margaritas because if I wasn’t going to get laid I was definitely going to get toasted. I stayed out waaaay past my bedtime but…it was fun so I’m not complaining. But I paid for it. Ooooh yes…I paid for it! Friday I was the walking dead and I didn’t even consider going out that night. As I was approaching home I got a call from my friend Mary who I haven’t heard from in awhile wanting to go running in the morning. Running? Was she serious? We haven’t been running in months…at least not distance running and she was talking about 10 miles with a bunch of chatty Cathy’s. Don’t get me wrong…I love to run but I was tired and hung over from the night before, and even though it was my intention to be in bed early there was no way I could conceive of getting up at 5:30am to lace up my shoes and huff my way through 10 miles. Fully rested and mentally prepared…sure. But she springs this on me at 8pm? Sorry sista…I love you…but this fish was fried and I wasn’t about to take that bait. But there was something in her message that told me I couldn’t ignore her call. I told her that due to my love affair with tequila on Valentines Day that running was out but that I would meet her for breakfast afterwards. Turns out she wasn’t really all that into running per-se…what she was into was venting, and she didn’t know who else to turn to. Breakfast was a three hour affair. We hadn’t seen each other in a while and it seems she has had some wicked situations going on since November. The kinds of things that make you change you email address, phone number, and start apartment shopping. We decided that the best solution would be to get back into running…sans that chatty Cathy’s…and made plans to meet this Saturday at a much more reasonable 8am. I’m actually looking forward to it. Lord knows my ass could use the workout and Mary…well…Mary needs someone to talk to. It’s a win-win.

That afternoon I lolled around. Thought about writing, but just couldn’t get my head into it. I simply wanted to lie in bed and catch up on Lost. So…I did. That night I met up with Mark and Paul for drinks and conversation. We had a great time ending up at The Zone around mid-night. Simon was there sans William and that made me smile. For…while I hadn’t heard from him, and still haven’t (more on that later) this means that while he’s dark on me…he’s also dark on the rest of the world and likely taking some William time. Something he has been denying himself for far too long. But that’s not to say there wasn’t some action on Saturday night. Oh no…I have a story for you dear readers. Lola was there. Yes…Lola. The woman that wants my man so bad it practically bleeds from Lolas eyes. The woman that wants my man so bad she would stoop to speak to none other than…me. She was all over my tip on Saturday…like we're friends or something…trying to get information about me and William.

Lola enters the bar and begins talking to Mark. Then she spies me sitting at their table and that is where it begins. This is the point that she starts...interviewing me…only from my point of view it felt more like an interrogation. Our conversation went something like this...

Lola: OH...did you dye your hair?
Me: Yeah...a couple of weeks ago
Lola: Oh you look pretty...brings out your eyes etc.
Me: Thanks
Lola: What made you decide to do something sooo drastic?
Me: OH...I'd been thinking about it for awhile and then a friend (William...not mentioned by name) said they thought it would probably look better than the blonde and be easier to maintain. And they were right...I love it
Lola: Cool. So...have you been coming into the bar much?
Me: Eh...yeah...I've been around.
Lola: So...what do you do?
Me: I’m a molecular biologist
Lola: OH...neat! What do you do when you're not working?
Me: See friends. Read. Write. Watch TV. You know...normal people stuff
Lola: Oh...cool. So...How's William?
Me: He's good. He's William.
Lola: but you guys broke up right?

Now...the hair on my spine went up and I’m thinking...no way am I going to discuss this with Lola…but she pressed...

Lola: Well...I know you guys were going out but then you broke up.

I continue to ignore Lola. She grabs my arm.

Lola: (desperation written all over her face) I KNOW you guys were going out but then you weren’t and you broke up right?

Finally...I’m annoyed so I looked at Lola and said

Me: We’re fine…we’re still together.
Lola: Oh...well...I just remember asking him how his girlfriend was awhile ago and he told me he didn’t have a girlfriend.
Me: Yeah...well...he probably didn’t want to discuss it with you. He's a private person and quite frankly neither one of us wants anyone up in our business.

Paul...meanwhile...is laughing his ass off. She goes to the bathroom and he says to me "Where's your new BFF?" I rolled my eyes at him and informed him we’d be having story time later on in the evening. When she returns from the bathroom she starts talking to Mark...flirting with Mark...and he is saying something to her in her ear and when I look over and he stops talking. She looks at him and says loud enough for me to hear…

Lola: What...is there something you don’t want Brigitte to hear?
Me and Mark: Brigitte?
Me: Who’s Brigitte?

She thought my name was Brigitte…so I corrected her. Now…William does have a friend named Brigitte but other than being friends with his ex there is no real connection there. Clearly trying to make me jealous or think that maybe William was with someone else as he wasnt in the pub with us she continues…

Lola: Why did I think your name is Brigitte?
Me: Well...there is a Brigitte that comes around. Perhaps you are just confused.

At this point Mark starts talking about his back problems.

Lola: (shocked) OH...you have scoliosis?
Me: Oh yeah...his back is as twisted as a politician
Lola: Really? How did you know?
Me: I saw the x-rays
Lola: (to Mark) How come I haven’t seen the x-rays? Did you bring them into the bar when I wasn't here or something?
Mark: No...They’re at my house.
Lola: (to me) You've been to Marks house?
Mark and I in unison: Yeah...We're friends!

So then...Lola who was apparently not done trying to dig for information about William and I says to me...

Lola: Did you see that William got his hair cut?
Me: Yeah...I did...it looks good
Lola: He's been talking about that for a long time. I thought he'd get more of a buzz-cut or something.
Me: Oh no. He called me when he did it and thought it was too short.
Lola: OH...so you haven’t seen it?
Me: Saw it a couple of days later and assured him he looks hot.
Lola: Oh...I've only seen it from the back...but it still looks long.
Me: Yeah...he can still put it into a ponytail if he so chooses.

And that was pretty much the end of it. She said she had to get going and left…obviously realizing she wasn’t going to be getting any more information out of me than she already had. And all she really succeeded in doing was letting me know that he hasn’t spoken to her in quite some time. I mean…I know that he told Lola to go away when she was trying to barge in on one of our conversations...flaunting her bosoms under his nose and suggesting that things weren't working out between us. And I also know that the last time she was in the bar begging for his attention he ignored her and told her again to go away. At least...that's what Paul told me.

Feeling like William, despite his failure to contact me should know that she was trying to pump me for information received a text message from me on Saturday night. It was short and sweet. I let him know she was there and what she was doing and that I simply told her that "we are fine...he's a private person...and that we don’t want people in our business. Hope you’re feeling better" It was a little bit covering my ass and a little bit letting him know that as far as I was concerned we are OK. He didn’t return that text…and I still haven’t heard from him but I figure he’ll call me when he’s got his head on straight. Hopefully it wont be a month from now, but he did warn me that he felt some cave time coming on and I have to have faith in my own judgment that he isn’t the kind of guy to just leave me hanging. In fact…I know he’s not that kind of guy...and since we didnt have a fight...I have to assume he's just doing his thing.

But, there is one little thing about all of this that bugs me. One little thing that I don’t like to think about much less talk about and it has a little something to do with Brigitte. It has a little something to do with Brigitte and the fact that she is friends with his ex. It has a little something to do with Brigitte and the fact that she is friends with his ex and the fact that I’m pretty sure that she’s the one that told William the ex was coming for a visit. It has a little something to do with Brigitte and the fact that she is friends with his ex and the fact that I’m pretty sure that she’s the one that told William the ex was coming for a visit and that I am worried that Brigitte may have arranged an “accidental” meeting of the two. William professes to hate his ex but…we all know what hate is…right? Hate is simply the opposite of love and while I don’t think William would just get back together with her “just like that”, what if…what if…what if?

I know…I know in the pit of my gut that this has not occurred and he did tell me that if he ran into her he would simply get mad and then go into a “hole”. But I wonder…is that what would happen? And I know that when we last spoke…when he called me from his weekend with the boys…that everything was fine…and normal. But I do wonder what occurred after that…on the rest of the weekend. What made him go dark? And what I hate the most. What really chaps my hide…is that sometimes…sometimes…I am…just a girl.

Shoving those kinds of thoughts deep into the pit of “just not going to happen” ridiculous kinds of scenarios we head into Sunday. Sunday was relaxing. Had lunch with Lydia and figured out what I would get William for his birthday. Went home that night and fell into a deep dreamless sleep. Blew off work on Monday in favor of some serious cave time…in fact…I think I’ll be caving most of the week. I have no intention of making any plans with anyone until Saturday night when I imagine I’ll head out for drinks with Paul. I need it. It’s far over due. But before I end this post I’ll tell you about the strangest “dreams” I had last night. One of those dreams that you wake from not being sure if you were actually asleep or not, but you’ve lost time so you must have been asleep. I was sitting at the table at which I’d spoken to Lola. A man walked past me and turned to look at me as he motioned his head toward the door and said “I’ve got to go…I’ll call you later.” Or was it “see you later”. I don't remember. All I know for sure is that it was William. And I woke bolt upright in bed. I do not ever remember dreaming of William…in any capacity.

And…I don’t really expect to hear from him tonight…but I will soon…that much I know. Lord only knows what he’ll have to say. For now he remains one of the “other people” whose moves I have to…or no…whose moves I choose to respond to.


For as Ms. Miller reminds us

“Until you know what news those eclipses will bring, you won't have all the information you need to make decisions for the future. Things are in flux on many levels. At eclipse time we see that we can't control everything in life - we have to respond to others' moves, too!”

And while I don’t put a whole lot of stock in astrology…I do feel that things are in flux on many levels. I do feel unsure…about so many things. The second eclipse is scheduled for tomorrow, February 20th. According to Sue…it’s my work situation that will be most affected. Of course…she doesn’t rule out a “make or break” situation in a romantic relationship.

I do so wonder what the weekend will bring. Good or bad…I hope it brings an end to the waiting and wondering and pondering and worrying and well…just being a girl.