I'm in a bad mood today. On Saturday I found out that I had been deceived. On Saturday I found out that, at least in the early stages of our relationship, William was not 100% forthright with me. I realize that the man is sick and the more I find out about him the more I realize that he was never OK...that he was simply putting up a front. He never was the person he portrayed himself as. I realize that this sort of behavior, lying and manipulation, is part of the pathology of his disorder but I also realize that it is no excuse. There is no excuse for deception. I understand the motivation behind the action. The fear of being alone, of being abandoned, of needing so much that one person can not possibly fill the void but I am a human being and I have feelings too. I have feelings that were dis-regarded. Feelings that I laid out on the table. I was honest. I was 100% up-front and honest about who I am, what I want out of life, and what I expect from a man that I am dating. I let him know how I felt about seeing more than one person at a time. I let him know that if he wanted to see other people that would be OK as I would go ahead and keep my options open as well. It's not like dating two people at once is a bad thing, and in the first few weeks I actually WAS dating someone else myself. But after we started sleeping together we discussed the idea that we would be exclusive until such point that we figured it wasn't going to work out. He agreed to that...even went so far as to say he felt the same way about things and I held up my end of the bargain. Had I know that I was not the only bird in his bush at the beginning I would not have let myself fall. I would have held myself in check. I would not have believed him when he seemed so devastated at the idea of us being over when I tried to end things a month of so later due to his flakiness. I'm no idiot. I know what it feels like when a person really likes you and wants to be with you and it wasn't feeling that way anymore. It wasn't feeling that way in my gut...and my gut is never wrong. But he begged me to be patient. I told him that it all sounded like lines that I'd heard before. He said he understood but there was no one else and there would be no one else and as far as I know all that went on was some kissing with a girl that he started seeing before he started seeing me. I knew about that...I just didn't know that we "overlapped". She was seeing someone else too so when he started not calling her back, which from what she told me must have been around the time that he and I officially started seeing each other, she sorta put him on the back burner but didn't really stop dating him until she and her boy went official. She suspected he was seeing me, though he didn't cop to it until she told him that she was "off the market". Now...all of this would be OK with me if it were all on the table. If I hadn't taken myself off the market per our conversation I would have just casually dated William. It wouldn't have gone to a place where I could get hurt. I wouldn't have even listened to his bullshit when I tried to end it...I would have just said this is over. But I thought the guy really liked me and when he implored me to just be patient and let him get through the holidays I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I really liked him and wanted to believe so I gave him a month to get over his "Christmas funk".What a damn fool I am.
I can't believe I bought the bullshit. All that I believed was a lie and now I feel foolish. Completely and utterly foolish. He made me feel special and loved and it was all bullshit. I went into it dis-trustful and I let my guard down. I let my guard down because I don't want to be that cold bitch that doesn't trust or let anyone in. I've been that girl for far too long. I've been that girl ever since my ex left me high and dry for Ms. more geographically desireable after six years of dedication to his needs and wants and I'm tired of being that girl. But how the hell am I supposed to continue doing this? How many times can you get sucker punched before the wall around your heart is so high that even you can't scale it? What is wrong with me? Do I have some kind of sign on my forehead that reads "Don't mind her...she's not real...her feelings don't count."
I want to go shout at him "How could you do this to me? I was nothing but nice to you! I was good to you! How could you lie to me like that? How could you lead me on for months knowing that you were being dis-honest?"
I'm a nice girl. I'm a nice girl that wonders if he ever really did like me. I'm a nice girl that is cringing inside at the idea of he, and plain Jane, and maybe even Leila laughing at the stupid trusting fool of a "nice girl" that I am.
I know that I'm not supposed to take any of this personally. I know...on an intellectual level that none of this is about me. That none of this is about me not being good enough or of William not caring/wanting to hurt me, but today I'm having a really hard time convincing my heart of that.
Today I can hear Leila's voice in my head. Leila telling me I should have known. That its my fault that I feel this way now. That I made a fool of myself. That I should have seen it coming. That I deserve to be laughed at for being such a blind stupid fool. And maybe she's right. maybe I should have just walked and let him go off in to a corner and cry but I really liked him and I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO WATCH MY BACK ALL THE TIME DAMMIT!!!!!!! I want...no I need...to be able to trust. I really really do...
Why can't people just be real? Isn't that easier than being false?
I'm tired, and I'm fed up.
I'm tired, and I'm fed up and I spent two hours chatting with a new potential on the phone last night. A new potential that seems like a really nice honest guy. A new potential that I am going to have a hard time trusting because I don't trust myself to know the difference between a "good guy" and a "bad guy."
Stupid girl
