It has recently been brought to my attention that I haven't been blogging. "Really?" I ask...I wasn't aware that the blog has been sitting largely ignored. Many of the people asking this question know that I have been busy with a capital B. Not only have I been busy I've been fairly happy with little that needs processing.
So, what has been going on? Well...if you aren't in the loop and you are simply stopping by looking for an image or just checking in to see if I've put any of my recent adventures into prose or have a voyeuristic interest in the lives of people you don’t know here goes …
Work- Work has been an up and down roller coaster since March. My boss has been a bit volatile lately...more scattered than usual...prone to outbursts of negativity and beratement...and in general seems to have lost his mind. If I were the only one that had noticed this shift in his normally laid back manner of management and interpersonal interaction I'd think I was the one with the problem but I'm not the only one feeling the edge so whatever is going on with him...is going on with him and we are all simply paying the price. What am I talking about? Well...shortly after my last post as I was nearing completion of the first draft of my first manuscript my boss decided that data that had at one time been perfectly acceptable to him was now not only unacceptable but was in dire need of a host of new experiments to really nail the point home. And not just some quick and dirty easy to accomplish experiments either. He suddenly wanted me to pick up a project that we had long since abandoned as requiring far too much time and money to be feasible to accomplish. Not only that, but in a field as young as mesenchymal stem cells...it may not even be possible to accomplish with what is currently known. But, being the good girl that I am I put down the manuscript and headed off to tissue culture to try and grow these cells. Unfortunately I wasn’t allowed to purchase the necessary reagents for the monster experiment that used to be unnecessary but now seemed to be the one thing upon which my ability to graduate depended upon. In short…our lab is broke so I had to wait to even attempt the experiment. Meanwhile we got some new data that threw a wrench into the argument…data that seemed to suggest that my boss's favorite working hypothesis…the one he’s got me running around in circles to prove…is wrong. So, as I waited for authorization to purchase the reagents needed to complete this new task I dove into the literature trying to make some kind of sense of this data that just didn’t fit with his favorite working hypothesis. I successfully came up with a model that would tie all of the data together and began work to test these ideas. Guess what…I now have MORE data to suggest that his favorite working hypothesis is wrong. Coupled to that the super important maybe unnecessary experiment didn’t work which is really no surprise as working up a new experiment usually takes several tries before you get it right. Or…maybe it didn’t work because the hypothesis is wrong. The only way to tell is to do it a few more times and if we had the time and/or the money to do so I have no doubt I could figure it out, and while my mentor could keep me tied to the bench indefinitely trying to figure this out we lack the funds to actually do so, which means we have abandoned that ship once again.
So, where does that leave me you ask? Well…it puts me right back where I started in March with plenty of good data to write a paper about the less splashy less sexy hypothesis that seems to be bearing true. What is the problem you ask? Well…the problem is that the boss doesn’t want to write that paper. What he wants me to do is make water into wine like I’m some kind of Jesus Christ. I can’t do it. Not only do I not believe the super sexy hypothesis to be true…I have data suggesting that it is not. So…we dance. Not to worry though…I have a committee and have spoken to one member of my committee about the situation. Not only is she is fully aware of what my data does and does not say she is fully aware of “how my mentor can be” quote-unquote. Her husband is hiring for a job that she thinks I’d be perfect for that I am very interested in pursuing, and while I may write on that later suffice it to say she is going to help me navigate these waters and get the paper that should be written out and me behind the podium to defend my dissertation. More on that later…
Play- I haven’t just been working. I have, in fact, been doing a fair amount of playing. In the last few months I have made some really great new friends. People I have known for awhile…in some cases years…but have never really gotten to know until now. Dissociation from Leila, my possessive, paranoid, needy, and self-absorbed “friend” has afforded me the time to spend getting to know these other people and my social circle has exploded. It has exploded in a very healthy and fun way. I have, of late, not had a whole lot of “me” time and funny enough…I haven’t really felt the need for it. I could go on but suffice it to say…I now have a nice circle of friends who know the meaning of give and take. People who do not judge me for my ideas about the world any more than I judge others for theirs and while we may not always understand the reasons why we do or feel the way we do about things…or agree with a particular course of action…there is no judgment. There is no “taking personally” the idea that I or they might not see things the same way or chose to take a different course of action in any given situation. Of particular note, I can express my thoughts about any particular situation, can say the hard to say thing that you know is not what the other person wants to hear and instead of it being met with anger or hostility or having something painful or confusing that I shared thrown back in my face it is simply a discussion…take my opinion/advice and do with it what you will as I will yours. Now…shall we put some music on the jukebox and dance and fuhget about it for awhile? Yes…we shall.
Romance- Nada, zip, zero. And I’m quite happy with it that way. Shortly after my last post I told William off. I called him an asshole to his face…in front of his new "girlfriend". And while that may seem harsh given the fact that I know he’s mentally ill it had to be done. It was like barfing up a huge bolus of poison and after the fact…while I felt a little silly for allowing him to see how he affected me…for not taking the high road…in the end it was good for me to throw off the coat of the martyr and tell him exactly what I think of his behavior. He’s sick but he knows he is sick and he is not even attempting to get help and it is NOT okay that he is drawing people in to it. Plain Jane is a thing of the past and he has moved on to someone else. Someone else that, from what I can tell, is going to end up in the same place all of us did. I could go on, but I won’t. So much has happened and so many lies and manipulations have been revealed…things that hurt me to my very core. And while I do take into consideration that he was honest with me about his illness and warned me that this is exactly what was going to happen and pleaded with me not to take it personally and not to feel bad…I do. And…what really gets me is that he has not afforded this same consideration to these other women. I know that I was not specifically part of his pattern. He treated me with far more respect and consideration than he had/is these other women and quite frankly it is to him I owe much of my current happiness and peace of mind. It was he that admonished me for not caring enough about myself and not putting my own needs before those of others. It was he that did not allow me to repeat the patterns of my previous relationships and actually slapped me in the face with it and forced me to take a good hard look at how I’ve been navigating my interpersonal relationships both romantic and platonic. For that I am thankful but…I don’t like seeing other people confused and hurt. This new girl will…no doubt…be left scratching her head wondering “what the hell happened here” soon enough. In the end…I still care about him despite being very angry with him and I wish things could be different for both of us. It truly pains me to know that no matter what he does…no matter how many hurtful things he has done and will do it is he that is the ultimate loser in this game and it is for that that I can forgive him his transgressions. No matter what my issues are I do not suffer from BPD so I can and have moved past the pain to enjoy the warmth of the sun and the friends I have and accept and grow from both the positive and negative aspects of my interaction with him. It simply frustrates me that there is nothing I can do to stop him from running this hamster wheel and allow the good, caring, funny, intelligent person that I got to know free because all of the garbage that he has pulled isn’t his core being…it’s the BPD at work and its sad. It’s like cancer…only there is no chemo.
Therapy- Going well. I still have a hard time talking about my father but I really enjoy discussing the various situations in my life and getting a completely outside opinion/viewpoint. He often asks me to relate current situations to life with dad which is next to impossible as I don’t remember much. What I have determined is that the majority of the “damage” occurred before my parents first separation. This is the part that I have a hard time remembering. I have no trouble remembering the period after that. The period where I just didn’t exist to him…where I wasn’t allowed to exist unless he needed someone to project his own failures and insecurities on. Unfortunately for him I already knew somewhere in my gut that my dad wasn’t just an asshole…there was something seriously wrong with him so its not the High School years that affect me because at that point I mostly blew him off or if that didn’t work…told him off which typically resulted in either an emotional tear down or a good knock to the head but at least I remember it. I least I can process it and conclude that it wasn’t about me. I think…what happened is that during the first separation I was afforded the opportunity to determine who I was/am. Its like that little breath of being away from the insanity gave me a peek at what life could be like when you’re not waiting for the next time you are going to be the target of some rage for which there is no logical root and once I experienced that there was no going back. There was no belief that dad was right and I was bad. He simply became someone who didn’t love me or care about me but whose behavior I had to manage…as best I could…which pretty much meant I didn’t spend a whole lot of time at home. The key, I think, to moving past this and really working through my issues is to remember the time before that in something other than snippets and fuzzy emotionally charged feelings. I mean…most of my memories of that time are less about what specifically happened and more about how I felt all the time. What I remember is being very confused and sad but I don’t know exactly why. I know that William pinged me…and he pinged me hard. He brought all of those emotions back to the surface and without any sort of event to assign them to I was once again thrown into confusion, sadness, and relying on old emotional coping mechanisms (like emotional eating) that I am slowly but surely crawling my way away from again. With him I felt just like that child and I continue to search for the source of those feelings…for the specific action(s) and events that I subconsciously recognized in William that brought that side of me up to the surface, the side of me that prompted him to muse that “we are a good match because we can help each other with our issues which are similar but opposite.” I didn’t know then what he meant but I do now. This is another thing that pains me about our parting ways on all levels including even being friends and that is the concept of Imago relationships which is so eloquently elaborated in this post on
choosing intimate partners. Perhaps he already did what I needed done by an intimate partner. Perhaps just handing me that compass is enough. It feels like enough but I do wish I could talk to him. I specifically wish I could tell him just how much he’s done for me and thank him for it…even if he is behaving like a grade A asshole these days. Maybe it was all I needed and maybe it wasn’t. Though…I suppose we won’t know for sure until I am again faced with a person that “pings” me. How I handle that will be the true test. Until then…I continue to allow myself to feel what I feel without sweeping it back under the rug. It isn’t always easy…but…what worth having or doing is?
And that’s the wrap up. That is my life in a nutshell for the last couple of months. Sure…there is a lot I’m glossing over but you get the picture.
Life. Is. Good.
Well...the boss is back and as I suspected he is ignoring the actual data that I have in favor of his favored hypothesis. Just checked the water...still hasn't turned to wine. Our conversation was actually comical. First he looked a little disappointed that the super sexy hypothesis is not bearing true...actually said that the story that is seeming to be supported by the data is uninteresting. HUH? Its data. It is what it is. THEN he latched onto one little tiny piece of data that gave him a ray of hope...that seems to contradict what I need him to believe (it doesn't...but only if you're not really paying attention). That is when the conversation really got interesting. Suffice it to say...he doesn't want to look at the data...doesn't want to accept what people who have been working in the field for years and have far more experience working with this system than either he or I have to say about what the data means. And...as I went over and over it with him trying to explain how this is analyzed...explain what I have spent the last couple of months trying to learn and understand by speaking with people that do nothing BUT analyze this kind of data he started to get it. Unfortunately...the minute It all started to make sense to him he had to go. He was late. Par for the course and now I will need to begin explaining all of this to him from the beginning...again.
