Happy Egg Day

Still not really ready to write but since its been a few days since my last post and my stat counter keeps getting hits I figure I’d let the world know that I am still alive and kicking. When last I signed in to blogger it was Wednesday. On Thursday I hit a wall…a thick, high, re-bar re-enforced cinderblock wall. After three weeks of getting almost no sleep I found myself completely unable to function. Thankfully, I was pretty much done with everything I had to get done by Friday so I left work early. I hit the sheets around 6:30pm and I barely moved the rest of the evening. Not because I didn’t want to...I simply couldn’t. My body was like lead and I was literally stuck to the bed. I would think to myself “Move your arm”…but I couldn’t. That night I slept for 12...yes 12…hours. And it still wasn't enough. I am still exhausted…mentally, physically, emotionally exhausted. I have spent the better part of the last three days in bed, and while this might normally be some sign of depression its not. I’m just oh so very tired. I've been watching TV, reading other peoples blogs, and finally allowing myself to process some of the events that have occurred in my personal life over the past month. And while writing is great therapy and really forces you to see events clearly…you can get a lot more done if you just stay in your mind. And that is where I’ll remain for the time being.

In sum...I have a lot to write about...but I’m just not going to do it right now. I finally feel a little more like myself and I look forward to Monday when I can get up and start living a more normal existence again. But today I am going to just be. I am going to spend the rest of this day just being. I might do some laundry…but I’m really not committed.

So to all the folks that have been stopping by let me just say Happy Easter (complete with embedded humor)!

And if you’ve ever wondered what the Easter Bunny will be doing tomorrow…

Ah, L'Amour

OK...Normally I wouldn't do this, but I've been really busy and have had no time to blog. Also...I'm not sure I really want to blog about what's going on in my head at the moment. Nothing bad really. Mostly work related stuff. The boy does play on my mind here and there. I guess all I can say is that William is acting like an asshole but the reality is he's being a bigger asshole to himself than he is to me. Sad enough to say.

So, while I would normally actually make an effort to write something I wont. I did however want to share the following video with you. Personally...I think we all know that this goes both ways but for now...without further ado...

May I present to you L'amore, or "how evil women fuck up good men."




OH...and if you've got 10 minutes to kill this is pretty funny too. Rejected...a look into the sick and twisted mind of a cartoonist rejected....



I've really got to get back to work but before I do allow me to remind you of why drugs are bad.

Don't let this happen to you...

Blank

Last night was weird. I went out for a couple of beers with Paul. We almost just went home. Almost. But at the last minute we decided to head over to The Zone to cap off the night. All the usual suspects were there. Sally was behind the bar. Molly was chatting with “guy ju jour” and if I didn’t know better it would appear that Leila and William are now a couple. I don’t really think so, but that is what it looked like. Bothers me not one bit on an intellectual level but you know I’m lying if I tell you it didn’t disturb me emotionally. Both of them were so drunk that they could barely walk. Watching people you used to care about spiral downhill is never easy, and there is way too much dirty water under the bridge for me to really care about Leila anymore…but William? About him…I don’t know. I mean…I don’t even know that guy that I keep seeing in the pub these days. I really don’t. That is not my William.

As I understand it…William is being “melodramatic” about the whole incident between us…blowing it way out of proportion. I spoke briefly to Simon about the interesting new twists. He says he keeps trying to pull William in off the edge but he can't and he doesn't know what to do any more. I told him there is nothing to do. To which he replied, “I love the guy but he is some kind of a sociopath or something.” His words…not mine. Its pretty clear that no one gets it and everyone thinks he’s nuts. I stumbled…he lost his footing. That is what happened. That is what people saw. And William is looking like an ass in all of this.

I honestly don’t know how I feel right now. I really don’t. All I know for sure is that this is not of me. This is what my William didn’t want me to be a part of. It isn’t of me and it doesn’t involve me. It is not my world they are living in. Never was…never will be. I am a spectator at this point…and I’ll just bet the show is about to get interesting. Very, very interesting.

I still have a bunch of term papers to grade and my life has become the Jerry Springer show.

ROCK ON!

Can't Stop The World

There really isn't a whole lot to report. Had a nice dinner with Sam on Thursday. Filled him in on recent events in my life. His take? I need to stop going to "that bar". Ya think? I know he's right. I also know that I won't stop going there entirely. I like it...just not all the time. Its one of those places that you really only need to go to every once in awhile to relax and catch up with your friends. The drinks are cheap...and its down the street. But I'm not really a "bar-fly". The funny thing about it is that back in September I really didnt go out to the pub all that much. Maybe for a beer or two after work a couple nights a week, but I really had no idea of the goings on with all of those "Norms" and I didn't really care. When I did go I restricted my interactions to people like Paul, Mark, Molly, and the dreaded Leila. In other words...I only hung out with the people that I knew outside the bar. It wasn't until Leila started setting me up that I ended up back in the mix. If I never went again I seriously doubt I'd miss it. But I will...because I enjoy throwing back a drink or two with Mark and Paul...and that is where we go. Its convenient. Thankfully enough...both of them have about the same feelings on the matter and since we do things together that don't involve the bar I should soon find myself back to my September status of "Oh look...haven't seen Julie in here for awhile...what ya been up to kid?"

Went out last night to help a friend celebrate her birthday. Not the birthday she wanted but we all had a good time regardless. The food, the drinks, and the company were good. The conversation later was tough. I hate being "the bitch". I hate being the naysayer. But at some point you have to call a spade a spade and that is what I did. I mean...I really try to be positive for people. I try to find the good in all situations...my own included. But sometimes...you just gotta take a hard look at what is actually going on. Like with William. I knew that relationship wasn't the relationship I wanted. I was hanging on to a promise...to an idea that William would come around given enough time. Would I have done that if he hadn't asked me to? Would I have done that if he hadn't acknowledged that things were supposed to be different and would change...that he knew they had to change? How long would I have hung on had the situation not come to a point of no return?

Not long. I can guarantee you that.

Some people might find me cold in my ability to turn my back and look forward. How can I have the feelings I have for William and not feel some sense of loss at this point? To that I say...easy. There are a lot of great things about him and we had some good times. But it wasn't what I wanted. It wasn't making me happy. Its almost a relief that things ended the way they did because they were going to end at some point. It was either going to be me walking away because I want a real boyfriend...one that is ready to move forward in a relationship at a reasonable pace...or it was going to end exactly the way it did because the man has an illness that he simply won't get treatment for. Only...maybe it wouldn't have ended for a year or two, a point at which it would have been an even more devastating experience. Hello...goodbye...not my problem...that is all she wrote.

Paul is in a down mood. I don't blame him...he has a situation he has to deal with and he doesnt want to. A situation he should have dealt with months ago and is now beating himself up about it. Perhaps I'll give him some attention this evening. Be there for him. He's certainly been there for me when I've needed a shoulder or an ear. Then again...he might just want to be left alone. I can do that too.

For now I am spending my Saturday in "term paper hell". Some of them are well written entertaining reads. Others...not so much. My plan was to finish them all this weekend but I may need to amend that. I may need to decide that I'm going to get as many done as I can before my brain melts and then finish them up during the week while I work on my fellowship application.

Happy Happy Joy Joy.

I so look forward to next weekend. Next weekend I am going to make VERY good use of that netflix subscription.

Raped

My talk…the one I had to get home and get some rest for last night…is done. I now sit here feeling like my brain has been raped. Early reports are that I did a good job. I feel like I did a good job. People seemed excited about my research it was received well. This bears well for the idea that my paper might get accepted and I can graduate soon…or even ever. Later I’m sure I will feel a sense of pride for what I’ve accomplished but at the moment I am mentally exhausted. After spending an hour fielding questions and trying to sound smart I just don’t want to think about anything real…and I especially don’t want to think about doing any of the additional experiments that were mentioned. Leave that for the next graduate student…I am done working up new protocols and delving down additional lines of inquiry. At least until they hand me that diploma that says “You have reached the highest level of education attainable…please go away and get a real job now”. Pile the new stuff on Higher and Deeper after that…just not now. And, its not that I’ve spent a tremendous amount of time stressing about this thing but I have been working late and not doing much in the way of relaxing since I woke up Monday morning knowing I’d have to make up for the loss of time this weekend. Work until I cant think anymore…blog a bit…catch up with a friend or two…grab something for dinner around midnight and then start hitting the snooze button a mere 5-6 hours later.

And all this after the weekend I had.

I am ready to just go lay on a beach with a margarita. Or simply take the weekend off and make good use of my netflix subscription. But no…Julie must grade 40 term papers and put together a fellowship application. All due by the end of next week…and none of it even started.

I suppose I should be grateful for the busy. The busy keeps my mind off the crazy. But in those rare moments when I allow myself a little time to think…my thoughts drift to my father, my brother, and my now former lover. All lost to me…quite possibly to the same disease. I am so tired of being strong. I am so tired of being alone.

Today after my talk I felt alone. All I wanted to do was go out with someone tonight. Go out…have a nice dinner and drink way too much wine. I felt like I needed to decompress and I couldn’t reach anyone. Not one of my friends was available to chat with dear ‘ol Julie at 2pm today. It’s those times that I wish I had someone that was obligated to pick up the phone...like the kind of boyfriend I’m used to having. The kind of boyfriend that never lets you wonder where you stand and always makes you feel like you are somewhere near the top of the priorities list. And for as much as I swear up and down that I’m done with men for the time being it is these times that give me pause to remember why we put ourselves out there in the first place. Why we dare to hope that this time it can be different.

We want someone to answer the phone. We want someone to hold our hands.

And then I got a text. It was from Sam. He thinks dinner sounds like a fine and dandy idea! So now I am off to have a nice dinner and drink way too much wine with a great friend…and while he may not be a boyfriend his company is exactly the kind I need tonight…is exactly what I want.

Manic

Do you remember manic panic hair colors? If not...it was hair dye that came in a variety of "off-the-wall" colors. Red wasn't just red...it was fire engine red. And don't even get me started on the blues, greens, and violets that could be had. If this still isn't clear in your mind just check out the swatches to your left.

Today...if I could...I would dye a section of my hair each and every color on that swatch. One color for each day my emotions shift.

Snow White is definitely my pick for Saturday. Saturday I was in shock. I couldn't...and still cant really believe the events of Friday night. I talked about it, processed it, went over it again and again in my mind but I don't think I really accepted it. How could I? It was like something out of a Kubrick film...like a dream...or a nightmare...or a trip to OZ. Into no convenient category did it or does it fit. There were no words that could comfort or explain or analyze. It was and is what it is. At the end of the day...physically and emotionally spent, all I could do was sleep.

Shocking Blue would do well for Sunday. Sunday I was sad. I spent the entire day completely and utterly sad. Accepting that what had happened on Friday was real I was forced to deal with the finality of it. Every time my thoughts drifted to the normal break-up mind journeys in which he and I would casually bump into each other three months later only to re-discover the magic we had once known I was forced to remember the events of Friday night. There would be no reconciliation. No re-thinking of the final decision. No putting the past behind us. It was over...for good. Without the aid of fantasy futures there was no release. Yes...blue for Sunday is perfect.

A little bit of Red for Monday. Even though I'm starting to resemble a flag I choose red for Monday because Monday I was pissed. I was really really pissed. What readers may not understand is that this was not the first time this has happened with William. It was Monday that I came to the realization that he had not been completely honest with me about his past including his role in the events that occurred between he and his ex. How could he? How could he get me involved in all of this? How could he risk it? How could he do this KNOWING that the longer we went on the HARDER it would be for me to get over him...to get used to him not being in my life. I told him in December that if I walked then I would be OK, but a few months from now maybe not. Yet...knowing...and likely already dealing with the issues that would bring about the eventuality of our tryst he grabbed me as I walked out the door and begged me to be patient. Maybe he really liked me that much that he thought he could change...or maybe he was just being a selfish jerk. On Monday all I saw was the selfish jerk. Red. Red for Monday is absolutely perfect.

Mix red with blue to make violet for Tuesday and you have confusion soon to become indifference. Tuesday I started out feeling a little sad that William and I wouldn't be able to be friends. I had liked him. He could be a funny guy, and he was really smart, and patient. I really liked him and couldn't fathom that I wouldn't know him anymore. We don't have to be a couple to say hi to each other now and again, right? I really didn't and still don't understand how you can go from being so close to someone to "I'll never speak to you again". I've never not spoken to an ex again. But then after my therapy session in which I deconstructed this whole thing I realized that I had spent an entire session on William. And I didn't do it because I wanted to process my feelings about it. I did it because I wanted my therapist to tell me what he thought was wrong with William so that I could find some way to get him some help...even if he wouldn't speak to me. But later that night I thought....where was I in all of this? What am I doing here? I wasn't getting what I needed and now I'm REALLY not getting what I need so why the hell am I worried about someone that refuses to help themselves? This...will be the topic of my next session with the therapist.

And for today? What color do I chose for Wednesday? Green. Green is the color of spring. Green is the color of fresh starts. Green is the color of good things to come. I love green. I love green almost as much as Lydia loves green. Green is a good color for a girl who remembered today that she is...in general...a happy person. A happy person who hasn't been happy for awhile now. For as much as I care(d) about William he was making me sad. He tried to be happy for me, and he tried to affect normalcy for me but his problems and his maudlin Morissey song moods eventually won the day. Couple to that the fact that he wasn't there for me in any way shape or form. Not even to cook a pot roast, watch a video, and maybe do me proper. All this maudlin bullshit and I wasn't even getting laid. Hell...I was "spoken for" so I didn't even have the prospect of going out and getting some. No wonder I've been depressed.

But not today...today I'd dye my hair green because I am feeling more like myself than I have in months. Leila is gone and has been gone for a couple of months now. Its been almost 2 and a half weeks since I've been in daily contact with William so I'm no longer being yanked forward and backward then side to side. I don't think I've truly felt this way for almost nine years. I went from a suffocating and isolating relationship with a man to a suffocating and isolating friendship with a psychopath after which I hopped on Mr. Toads Wild Ride with William. I really honestly can start living my life for me.

Maybe for the first time in almost 10 years I can live my life for me.

Weird.

Orange. Orange is a weird color. Most people don't like orange. I like orange. I always have. I believe I'll chose orange for tomorrow because starting tomorrow I'm going to put more focus on me and damn the orange haters to hell...I'm saving a section of hair for that most maligned color because I like it. And if you don't...just remember...this dye job isn't about you...its about me.

Now...me has to go home and get some sleep because me has to give a talk tomorrow. A talk that I only just finished putting together and haven't even gone through once. but...I'll get up early and run through it a few times and even if it isn't GREAT...it will still be good.

Ping Pong

Today I feel indifferent. Back to the whole idea that "something is wrong with that boy...it's not just an act" so its best that we're not together. I still think he could have handled it a lot better than he did. I vacillate about whether or not I'd one day like to be friends. I vacillate about whether or not I should send him a birthday email. Right now I say no. Its an olive branch that I don't really want to lay down. The work just keeps on piling in and I expect the rest of this month to be extremely busy. With all that I need and want to accomplish I wouldn't really have time for daily phone conversations with William right now anyway.

Tonight I meet with my therapist for the first time. I intend to discuss these happenings with him. See what his professional opinion is. I guess the thing that I cant wrap my mind around is that he'll "never speak to me again". I can completely understand him walking away given what's going on in his head, but what I really don't understand is the "I'll never speak to you again" thing. Why...if on some intellectual level he knows that I did nothing wrong...as he indicated to me when we spoke...can we not chat every now and then? Be civil. Have at least some of what we had...even though It will never be what it was. Which...I don't even want at this point. I honestly don't understand the depth of his anger with me...over something so small...so ordinary...so common. Its as if he feels I've betrayed him in some way. All of the things I said that I didn't like about William, that I am not sad to see leave my life still hold and I don't want him back. I want a more suitable mate for my future. But what I do miss and am having a hard time letting go of is that we had so much in common on both an everyday and spiritual level. That he understood me on a level that very few people really do. That I could say something vague and he would get exactly what I meant without further explanation.

But, as Zabel just reminded me. So what. Eventually I wont even think about this...it will be in the past. And if history bears true she's right. I don't miss talking to the guy I dated before William. I really liked chatting with that guy too. We too got along great and had things in common. Funny enough...now that I think about it...William and he weren't so dissimilar in their selfishness. In fact, I can think of only one man that I've gone out with that wasn't selfish. Perhaps therapy will help me figure out why I seem so drawn to men that take but don't give. Why I push away the ones that do. Many things to think about in the coming months. Things that need to be resolved before I attempt to date again.

For now, though...I just need to make it to March 21 and all the deadlines that loom on that day.

God...that's only a week away! Panic attack anyone?

Boys Suck. Throw Rocks at Them. (Addended)

I'm feeling better today. I don't much miss William today. In fact...I'm a little pissed off. That might sound weird, but after I spoke to Lydia last night I thought really hard about it. What am I actually missing here? When we met he was great. It was the start of a basic normal relationship. He or I would phone the other, make a plan to do something and then we'd do it. If I phoned him he would answer the phone or call me right back. If he told me he'd call me on his lunch break to firm up a plan he would. But that all changed Thanksgiving weekend. After Thanksgiving he didn't seem interested in me anymore. That's not to say the didn't contact me. He did. He called me pretty much every day. He just didn't want to see me. I would ask him if he wanted to do things and he wouldn't.

By mid-December I was fed up and I tried to break it off with him but he pleaded with me to be patient. So I was. I gave him until after Christmas as he asked. But...nothing really changed after Christmas. In January when I let him off the hook and told him it was OK that he walked after we had a fight he called me right back. And I decided to try and be patient again. I mean...I really liked the guy and we had a lot in common. We talked on the phone for a couple of weeks before he finally asked me to see a movie with him. And then that was it. He never made another overture to see me. Just called me every night. Yes...he was busy. Yes...he was taking care of things that needed taking care of but he had time to go out with his friends. Just not with me. That really bothered me and in all truth I was getting a little tired of being the last on his list of people to see. We spent more time talking on the phone about things we might do together than actually doing them.

This isn't what I want out of a relationship. I was hanging on to a promise that I'm fairly sure now was never actually going to be fulfilled. And I can beat myself up as much as I want over what happened but it was going to happen eventually. Better now than a year from now. I was never going to have that man and he knew it. Its not like this problem he has just cropped up. From what I understand...from him...this happened with his last girlfriend and this is why he's not going to do it again. THIS HAS HAPPENED BEFORE!!!! I now wonder if she was really as bad as he made her out to be because he is certainly demonizing me at this point and I KNOW I was a good woman to him. Can't be with me? Fine. Never going to speak to me again? That hurts. That really hurts. I was a really good woman to that man and I got almost nothing back...and I didnt even ask for much. And I guess right now I'm sorta forgetting about the whole mental illness aspect going on here but for crying out loud...HE KNEW! And he didn't let me walk when I had the chance to not be affected by it. When I could have just said "Just another LA jerk-off that wasn't really into me in the first place". We might actually be friends today if he had let me go back in December.

And that's what pisses me off. I don't even get to know him in any way shape or form now and I really liked the guy...as a person! I am mad. I hate this part where you have to get used to not knowing the person. It was one thing to just do my thing and thinking eventually maybe we'd find our way back but this finality sucks! Its like being given a gift and then having the giver steal it from you. Arrrrrggghhhh!

I'm glad this thing is over. I'm glad I get to move on now. What William was offering is not what I want. He was maudlin, depressed, paranoid, selfish, and unable to make a decision about anything other than what time he should get to the bar. I was fine for comfort and support but when it came right down to it he preferred hanging out with his buddies. He cared about me...that much I know. He loved me...that much I know. But that's not a reason to stay with someone. There are other men that might be able to find it within their power to love and care about me. THEY might even want to spend time with me. THEY might want to go have a drink with me every now and again. THEY might actually make a plan with me on a Friday or Saturday night.

I have needs too and its high time I start asserting them, attending to them, and believing that they matter.

To hell with boys.

Single is better.

Addendum: I feel like a god damn freak going from one emotion to the next. Yesterday I'm sad and worried about the guy. Today I am so mad at William. I don't feel sorry for that guy anymore. How could he do this? What kind of jerk strings a girl along for months and then because of one little mistake....an accident...says the things he says to me? Just say you want out. Its not like I've ever forced the guy to be with me. When I've tried to leave...he's told me he'll cry...or to be patient...he cares for me soooo very much. Whatever. I almost want to write what he said on the blog. Send out to the world the horrible scary things he said to a woman that has done nothing but care for him. I almost want to tell people he knows what that he said to me. I want to tell them all that he has been calling me every night bitching about them to me. Using me for emotional support and then he has the gal to demonize me like this? He says he's not...that he just cant do this...that he doesn't even understand what's going on in his head, but I wonder...is it all just a bunch of B/S? Is it really possible that he is THAT sick in the head and noone has noticed or is it just an act to get me to leave him alone? And even if he is...he knew this could happen. He had this problem before with his ex. Does he really think there is a woman out there that is NEVER going to upset him? That is ridiculous! Its not like he's currently in therapy and for the condition he THINKS he has which I'm not even sure he does he really ought to be. He once told me he wanted to be an actor. He told me a lot of stuff actually. I'll just bet that if I dug I'd find out it's all a bunch of lies. I am too trusting. I am too forgiving. The jaded on men girl is returning. Is there anyone in this world that you can trust? Are all men psychos in one way or another?


Right now...I want to throw rocks at William. Right at his tweaked little head!


Not really, but it felt sorta good to write.


Boys are Stupid. Throw rocks at them.

A Beautiful Mind

The weekend started out good. Dinner with Mark and Paul in celebration of Marks birthday on Friday, a Party on Saturday night, and get some work done on Sunday. So many things to do that there was no time to worry about what was going on with William and I. I had 22 CD’s sitting on my floor that suggested things would work out eventually and I’d just live my life and do all the things that needed doing in the meantime. That was the plan. But…as is often the case things didn’t work out quite the way I’d expected.

After dinner on Friday we went for drinks. William was there…still not speaking to me. He didn’t look particularly inebriated so I figured it would be a good time to confront him and simply say that he’d have to speak to me eventually…end this the proper way…and I did. Without going into too much detail it is over. It is so over it is like a death. And it isn’t because William doesn’t love me…it’s because he does. There is so much to say. So much to write about…but I can’t do it here. I simply cannot send this out into the universe. I love William too much to do that. He is a good man...just not a man that I can ever be with. He recognizes this and is walking away…to protect me. You might be reading this thinking to yourself “sure…she was probably fed a bunch of lines that she is lapping up like a kitten does a bowl of fresh milk”. But if you had been a part of the conversation we had you would know that this is not true. My William…the man that now lives in my memories…is dead. Even he doesn’t understand what is going on in his head. He once told me that if what has happened ever happened again…I should leave him. He grabbed my hands, looked into my eyes, and said “Leave me…don’t walk…run...I love you too much to let you get hurt”. I have never in my life had an experience like this; have never counseled a friend that has had an experience like this, nor do I ever want to. All that was confusing about us is now crystal clear. It all makes perfect sense…perfectly sad sense.

In the end…he is sorry that he is the way he is. He is sorry that he drew me into it. He tried. He couldn’t. He can’t. He has spent the last 8 years single. He hasn’t gotten involved with anyone. What he thought was healed was only dormant. He wouldn’t have gotten involved with me if he weren’t so taken with me. He would be with me even now if he weren’t so taken with me. This I know.

We left it with a hug. Him telling me he’s sorry as I tell him he can have his stuff back whenever he wants it. “Thank you” was all he had to say to that. He walked out the door and I re-joined my friends. They asked me if I were OK. OK? At the time I didn’t even know. I was in shock. There is no other word to describe how I felt when I walked away from that man on Friday night. I told them I was fine…that it’s over…that I’m OK with it being over and that it’s some “crazy shit”. Mark looks me and says deadpan “Just stay away from him Jules…he’s crazy”. Molly does not press me for details. Simply tells me that he has been confiding in Leila about his past and lapping up her bull. Molly, who has since broken ties with Leila herself, agrees with me that this is a bad combination. With Leilas personality type…and where William is in his head right now…he is likely to subject her to what he will not subject me too. Ask me if I care and I’ll tell you no…and mean it.

I broke down on the way home, confiding in Paul all that I would not say in the pub. Saturday afternoon I went to lunch with Lydia. I laid out in gory detail the events of the night before. It’s heavy stuff that I have shared only with them. I feel that I have burdened them both with this. This is not your normal break-up scenario. I am not OK right now and they both know it. Neither knows what to say, or do, to help me get through this. I have a couple of other friends I will need to share this with, and a therapist to talk to on Tuesday. The jumble of thoughts and emotions that course through my head will be sorted out eventually. For now…I hold to the one thing that is keeping me from completely losing it. And that is the memories. The memories of when things were good and I was falling for a kind, caring, funny, and intelligent man…a man who would look at me with such love in his eyes that my heart would melt. Up until this weekend he was a man with a painful past afraid of getting involved…getting hurt again…but he was trying. And while at times it seemed he wasn’t…I now know that he really truly was. At least those memories are real. None of it was a lie. A bittersweet romance that that was over before it even began. Hopefully he and I can one day be friends, though that will not be happening anytime soon. He tells me that he will never speak to me again but who can say. Crystal balls exist only in the movies.

I love him. I miss him. I mourn all that could have been. I will not tolerate anyone saying anything mean about him. Despite all that happened, all the inconsistencies and confusion, all the ways in which he has apparently wronged me…he was and is being a good man to me. As good a man as he can be.

It will take some time to get over this…to process all of this, but I will go on. There will be other men…but I will always hold a place in my heart for William…a man with a beautiful mind.

22 CD's

Sitting on the floor of my bedroom are 22 CD's in a target bag. 22 CD's that William loaned to me. 22 good CD's. Some are things that I once owned on record or tape. Some are things that William thought I would like (he was right). All meant to be loaded onto my iTunes/iPod so that we would have music we'd both like to listen to in the car or here at my home (not all of my stuff is fit for his ears).

Back in the early days...the first time we had a disagreement...he asked me if I'd sold them. I had laughed and said "No...who would do something like that?" "You'd be surprised" he'd said. Seems William has had some real quality women in his life.

The first time we "broke up" I told him he could have his stuff back whenever he wanted it. I had sent him a letter after a big argument. I was letting him off the hook. I told him that if and when he felt ready he could knock on my door. He called me almost immediately. I look back on that conversation from early January. A conversation that once graced the pages of this blog and will now grace it once more...

Me: Hello…this is a surprise.
Will: yeah…I figured as much…And you’re awake…as usual.
Me: yeah…I'm writing.
Will: (chuckling). Gooood.
Me: Yeah…I’ve got a lot on my mind…a lot that needs to be put on paper….things to process. I’m thinking I should re-start my blog.
Will: That’s probably a good idea.
Me: Yes.
Will: I wish I were a writer…but I can’t write the way you do.
Me: Have you actually read anything I’ve written (and I’m thinking of some of my stories and articles)
Will: Well…I read your letter.
Me: Oh right…the letter.
Will: Are you sitting down?
Me: Yes.
Will: Are you ready for this?
Me: (my heart fluttering because I knew what was coming) Yes.
Will: Are you sure?
Me: Please just say what you have to say.
Will: I want to thank you for that letter. It was long, but I read the whole thing.
Me: Yeah…I know…sorry about that.
Will: No…you expressed yourself very well…I appreciate it…and I owe you so much more than what I have given you.
Me: Yes.
Will: The thing is…I need to be selfish right now…and I think you understand that.
Me: Yes…I do. That was the point of “if/when you are ready.”
Will: Yes…but I owe you an explanation. I’m not happy right now. And I’ve been trying to get happy…trying to date you…and I just can’t get there. Things were so good for me not so long ago and I need to get my life back on track.
Me: Yes…you do….and I completely support what you are doing.
Will: I know that it’s just…I need to be this guy right now. I need to be this unhappy person. I just don’t even like myself right now.
Me: You have no idea how well I understand that. But…can we get to the point? Is this a break-up speech?
Will: You are sooo good at expressing yourself. I’m trying to. It’s hard.
Me: It’s a simple question Will…is this too much for you right now?
Will: Yes…it is. And I don’t want to get in the way of all the things you are doing. I know you have been where I am and I am sooo proud of you for all that you have accomplished. I don’t want to get in the way of that and I don’t want to bring you down.
Me: You might not believe this…but you really don’t…and there isn’t any way that you actually could.
Will: You are so strong.
Me: No…not really…I am…as you know…just a girl.
Will: Yes…you are definitely a girl. I just need to do this on my own…and I think you understand that.
Me: Unfortunately…I really do.
(Pregnant pause)
Me: OK. Well…your stuff is still here right where you left it. You can have it back any time you want it. I understand where you are coming from…and I’m going to miss you…but I want you to do what you need to do and I’m going to be OK.
Will: Are you running away now?




Me: (Thinking HUH?) Nooooo. I thought that is what you wanted…to do this on your own. I’m sorry…you’re really confusing me here.
Will: I just don’t feel like a man. I just don’t. And you have explained perfectly well how you feel about that…and I know none of what matters to me in that respect matters to you but I just cant wrap my mind around it. I have to feel like a man again and I don’t know how to do that…it could take years.
(Pregnant pause)
Me: Look. I know you’re struggling. I know you’re scared. I know surfing the bottom…feeling worthless…and that you’re afraid of dragging me into your funk but the fact of the matter is…that isn’t possible. I have such a full life. I have practically everything I want. The only thing I lack is someone to take care of…someone to bring coffee in bed too. And I need that. The mother in me has been underfed for so long and you filled that gap…for however brief a period it was…and I miss that…truly and completely miss that…it’s like a hole that I didn’t even realize was there until you came into my life. And I want you to need me more than I want anyone else in my life to need me. And I don’t fully know why you are the chosen one, but you are. And I know you don’t believe this, but I’m really happy when we’re together…even if when you’re depressed. Call it co-dependent…call it what you will…but we have a connection that I’ve just never felt with anyone else and when you feel that connection you can’t deny it.
Will: I know…I know just what you mean. We do have something special.
Me: (quietly) I don’t want to give up on you. I want to be with you.
Will: That is just so hard to believe…I don’t even want to be with me right now.
Me: Oh honey. Yeah. I know that one too. (Insert pause) What is so funny about this situation is that even though you won’t admit it you need someone to care for you and support you....and I need someone to care for and it’s just so amazing that two puzzle pieces that should fit together just don’t seem to be able to lock.
Will: I know.
Me: So what are we going to do?
Will: I don’t know…and I’m sorry I have to say this…but its really late and I have to be up really early.
Me: Yes…you do.
Will: Can we finish this another time?
Me: Yes. Get some sleep. Talk to you soon.
Will: OK. Good night.
Me: Good night.

He tried to end this then...and for some reason didn't. This isn't about me. It's about him. Funny enough...right now I feel free. I've been sitting on this fence for a long time. I don't want him to come back to me right now. Maybe someday...but not right now.

Those 22 CD's are still sitting on my floor. Those 22 CD's that he was so concerned about. Those 22 CD's that he saw or commented on every time he's come over since. Those 22 CD's he never grabbed on his way out.

Those 22 CD's still sitting on my floor.

The Fence

I had begun a long post detailing events of this most recent weekend and the weekend before but have decided instead to keep it short. Things have reached a turning point with William and it’s not good. Or is it? I don’t know. After the conversation I just had with Paul I will leave the details to my own memory and the memories of the friends with whom I have processed. In my last post I alluded to an incident that I felt might mean the end to us. On Friday I spoke with the dreaded Simon for quite some time. It was actually a very good conversation in which I cleared up some misconceptions Simon had about me, and while I still don’t entirely trust him…I found out that William was indeed quite mad at me. I probably told him too much without telling him nearly everything there is to be told. At one point I said “I think there is a lot you don’t know about.” He agreed. Said William is so tight lipped and since all he sees is us interacting when he’s around he didn’t really get what was going on. There is much that I am leaving off the blog but at this point Simon feels like maybe William is wronging me in this, that maybe William hasn’t been fair to me. He confided to me that he doesn’t really understand Will and is trying to figure out what makes him tick. Upon hearing that I sit on the fence about this whole thing wondering if I should stay or go told me that he hoped William could get past this and suggested I just ride it out.

On Saturday, when I actually saw William he looked over at me. His look was expressionless and he moved to the other side of the room pointedly avoiding me. It was what I expected as I have not heard from Will since said incident. Simon suggested I not try to talk to William as they had been in the pub for quite some time and this was not the time to do so. I agreed with him and assured him that I would not. Simon confirmed for me that William was still mad and when I asked him if I should just leave Will alone…not contact him…and just walk as we had discussed on Friday. He said “No…call him…find out what’s up…just don’t do it tonight.”

A good idea, I thought.

Sunday was hard. The way Will was acting Saturday disturbed me. Not the fact that he wasn’t talking to me…I knew he wouldn’t. It was that he was overly happy…not his usual calm and brooding self.

Over the course of these events I have texted, emailed and called…all to no avail. What I want is closure. One way or the other I want to know where we stand. On Monday I sent the following email...

I’d really like to talk to you. What happened last Saturday night was an accident. I did not push you on purpose. I threw my hands up in frustration and stumbled into you. I know what you're thinking, but I also know that deep down you know that I’m not like that. You know that no matter how upset I’ve been…or how emotional our conversations have been that I’ve never raised my hand to you in anger. And I’ve only ever really yelled at you once…and that was more about Leila than you…you know that. Have I lost my cool at all since I cut her out of my life? No…I haven’t. I would never hurt you. I would never cheat on you. I would never disrespect you or talk shit about you behind your back. All I have ever done is be there for you, listen to you, support you, and care for you. Even if this cant be fixed. Even if we can’t move past this can we at least talk? Can we at least clear this up so that we can move on without hard feelings? Hope to hear from you soon.

After the incident that I mention in that email, “Oh my god…William” were the first words out of my mouth. At first he refused the hand I was holding out to help him up…looking up at me in shock. It took a few “C’mon Williams” to get him to take it and when he was on his feet he was out the door as fast as his legs could carry him. I was mortified. I followed him outside to apologize…tell him it was an accident…that I didn’t push him on purpose…remind him that we both had been at the till. At first he wouldn’t speak to me. He kept saying “I can’t do this right now…I can’t do this right now.” I implored him to hear me out and finally he did. When I said I’m sorry he wouldn’t look at me…he simply said “I know you’re sorry…but I can’t do this right now”. I said “Will it was an accident…you know it was an accident”. At first he didn’t look like he believed me but I kept saying c’mon…you know I wouldn’t do that and I saw a look on his face that seemed to say he recognized that I spoke the truth. I went on further to say that I was sorry that I’d pushed him to come over but I really needed a hug and I seriously didn’t understand why he didn’t want to…that if he cared for me, that if he loved me he would just do it. He said that he did care for me and did love me but that he “just can’t do this right now” interspersed with a bunch of “you deserve someone better”. So I said…so what…you’re never going to talk to me again. He said “no…I’ll still talk to you…I just can’t do this right now.” I looked at him. Just looked at him and he looked right back at me…eyes locked. Finally…I said quietly “OK” and I turned to walk to Pauls car.

Tonight I spoke with Paul. He saw William on Sunday night. He told me that William spoke to him. Apologized for how weird things had got between he and I. Said that we were not speaking, though Paul can’t remember if he said “at the moment” or not…a key detail if you ask me. Paul asked him the question he knew I wanted answered most. “So where does that leave it? Is it done?” Paul says Will hesitated and then said “Pretty much”. This was before the email I sent and I was unaware of this conversation when I did so. I asked Paul if he thought he meant it. A hesitation and a “Pretty much” is a lot different than a firm “Yes”. Paul could give me no answers though he did say “With William you just never know…he vacillates all the time…if anything it may be at a balance point.”

Who knows what my email will do to tip the balance one way or the other. My gut tells me that this is not done…that his failure to call me is his way of buying time for making a decision one way or the other. The only words less non-committal than “Pretty much” are “I don’t know.”

In any event…the least he could do me is the courtesy of a call, and a talk. Give me some closure. You may think I’m an idiot for not simply hardening my heart, calling him a jerk, and hating him for not being man enough to call me. But none of those things are true. I understand William and know that if he were really ready to end this…he would have called me by now to do so. He too…sits on the fence. For how long I don’t know but I always felt that this was maybe not the right time for us. That at some point we could be a stellar couple…just maybe not now. And while I have many times considered walking away these past couple of months I haven’t actually initiated the conversation as every time I tried to end it in the past I have been met with protest. He didn’t want me to leave him…wanted me to be patient…assured me that he would get more comfortable with the idea of a relationship.

In short…I know that William loves me deeply…he’s just “fucked up” and he’s far to “fucked up” to be with anyone right now. This I know.

Space and time is what my gut tells me. If it’s meant to be, it will be. I will make no further overtures or requests to talk. He knows…I don’t need to remind him. In the meantime…I have a really wonderful life full of great friends and a promising future. I will focus on that and not worry about the boy. Let the boy figure his shit out while I do mine. And if someone else comes along…or my feelings change…so be it. But I know myself. That will be a long time coming. I will hold him in my heart until someone…or something pushes him out. Call me a fool and I’ll tell you to mind your own heart while I mind mine.

If you love someone…let them go.
If they don’t come back…it was never meant to be.

Or…as I always like to say…

If they don’t come back…hunt them down and shoot them.