Balance

I have a confession to make. I don’t really like my job. In fact…sometimes I hate my job. When I tell people what I do…and I never volunteer the information…but when they ask me and I say “Oh…well…I’m studying growth factor signaling in mesenchymal stem cells” they are oftentimes interested, and almost always impressed. I mean stem cells are such a hot topic of discussion these days…that it must sound pretty sexy. Wow…a real stem cell biologist…and she can hold her liquor! But I’m here to tell you that it’s not and if you can learn how to fix a car you can learn how to extract DNA. Now…I will admit…I am proud of my accomplishments…and the real work is in determining what experiment to do next which is where all the years of education come in. I do like the respect I often get from people because I have achieved this level of education, but it also disturbs me. Sometimes I wonder if people listen to what I’ve got to say about the world simply because I’m about to have those three little letters tacked onto the ass of my name. This is why I never volunteer the information as I want to be considered “just part of the gang”. No better and no worse than anyone else in my blue collar world.

(Sidebar: Leila always liked to tell people what I do for a living. Whenever a man would come over to talk to me she would interject this information somehow. When I asked her to stop…to allow me to reveal myself to people in my own time she would say “But I’m proud of you…and I’m proud that you’re my friend…and it’s a reflection on me…you know…cause you’re not just some secretary that I’m hanging around with.” Proud of me my ASS! She knows that most men…no matter how enlightened…don’t like to feel intimidated. And that’s what it was…a form of intimidation. And no…I wasn’t…as she accused…trying to “lower” myself for men. I just want people to get to know me before they get to know my credentials. And…really…isn’t it my decision what I want to discuss with a potential suitor…or a potential new friend? And honestly…what is wrong with being a secretary? Is there something I’m missing here?)

Anyway…the whole reason I came to graduate school is because I want to teach, and I knew I didn’t want to teach High School. Professors make better money than High School teachers so I knew that I would be able to support myself whether or not I walk this life solo…and for the most part…the kids actually want to be there. I love teaching. I really and truly love interacting with the students, and from what I can tell…I’m pretty good at it. In fact…I’ve been told numerous times that I am good at breaking down complex ideas and presenting them in a way that is understandable to the layman and therefore I should be a teacher. But when I emphatically agree and say “Well…that’s why I went to graduate school in the first place” the following statement is invariably what I get back; "Oh…but you could do so much more for the world in research!”

So?

What if I don’t like doing research? What if I hate doing research? What if I don’t want to dedicate hours upon hours of my life to fretting over whether my data is good enough…whether I’ve missed some crucial publication in my field that blows holes in my model…in my theory…in my hypothesis? What if I don’t want to continue doing the same experiment over and over and over again just to make sure the result is real? What if I don’t want to worry that my lab will shut down because the NIH is under funded or this year its all about bio-terror and stem cells are soooo passé?

Do you have any idea how much good solid research is not being done because of these kinds of issues?

There is no doubt that there will never be enough money to fund all of the good ideas…all of the valuable science that could be undertaken so that is not whats buggering my mind today. And this is not why I don’t want to be a bench researcher and that is not why I don’t want to run my own research lab.

I don’t want to do it simply because I don’t want to do it. Period. I’m not giving up…throwing in the towel…or selling myself short.

I simply don’t want that life. Is that OK with everybody?

What do I want then?

What I really really want is to teach biology to undergrads at a small teaching university in a small college town. I want to grade papers with a glass of wine by my hand while the ghee I am making slowly simmers on the stove. I want to spend my weekends walking my Labrador and taking afternoon naps. I don’t want to live rich. I don’t need a 5 bedroom house or a fancy car.

What I need is peace of mind…and balance.

Because without that…what is the point of living at all?

But before I can do that I must finish this degree. Not that I couldn’t just start teaching now at some of the smaller colleges. I’ve advanced to candidacy…and I have an M.Sc. It could work. But…I owe it to my boss…who has done so much for me over the years…who was a complete and total pain in the ass today. I owe it to him to finish my dissertation and get those three little letters tacked onto the ass of my name.