So Unsexy

Last night, finally finished putting the saga that sent me back to blogging onto paper I met up with my new friend, Lydia, for dinner and drinks. It was our first meeting in real life. We met through her blog and as with any online connection comments led to emails led to chatting on the phone until finally we met in person. Bonding over shared experiences we discussed life, love, fear, personal-baggage, and the intricate forces that bring people together and break them apart. In our case, a common experience with the leading men in our lives is what has brought us together…well...that and having a helluvalot in common!

Discussing matters both heavy and light…a key point that we touched on is the foundations upon which any solid relationship is formed be it between friends or lovers. In committing all of my thoughts about some of the people that have been shaping my life over these past three years or so it became clear to me why my guy had walked away from me for over a week. Why, if I had not sent him that letter that prompted him to call me, he may still remain dark.

What I realized in going through all of this is that I have not been a healthy person. I realized that I have been operating from a base of fear as opposed to a base of strength and faith in myself. That in not really dealing with my feelings about my toxic friend Leila, that in not doing the hard thing and walking away from a relationship that was causing me stress because that was easier than trying to fill the void left by the loss of what seemed…at times…to be a good solid friendship I was allowing my fear of becoming isolated once more to rule my actions. I mean…my plan up to this point has been to finish my PhD and get the hell out of here. To move far enough away from Leila that she couldn’t continue stepping back into my life after an episode. To be able to keep her at arms length via email or something once I had completed my business in LA. And while I do intend to move closer to my sisters when I finish that is no excuse for allowing myself to be miserable and walking on eggshells during my time here simply because I was afraid of spending too many Friday nights curled up with my netflix subscription.

Meeting my guy changed all of that. Meeting him forced me to realize how wanting I had been for real care. He came into my life and made me feel as though I had a reason, other than my career to be in LA. He makes me feel loved and appreciated for who I am; the good…the bad…and the ugly. He is a person that I do truly connect with on a level that I’ve never experienced. I feel completely comfortable being myself around him and I know that I can’t say that about Matt…the man I spent six years of my life with. When I look back at my time spent with Matt I realize how much of who I truly am that I gave up to be with him. Again…this was not his fault, but mine for accepting it. William accepts me as is. He has never tried to change me in any way shape or form. He has not asked me to lose or gain weight, start or stop dying my hair, change my political affiliations, or renounce my membership in NOW or the ACLU. He has not asked me to quit watching romantic comedies, reading pop fiction or girlie magazines, vote for his candidate, buy a different car, drink a different drink, stop loving Alanis or Avril, or become fascinated with football. And nor have I asked these things of him. He is a wonderful person, not a perfect person, but the sum of his parts makes him worthy of all the good things this world has to offer…whether he believes that or not. The bottom line is…he makes me feel good.

And understandably, I latched onto those good feelings. I wanted to get lost in them. I wanted to replace my toxic relationship with Leila with this wonderful relationship that was developing between William and I.

I wanted to replace Leila with William.

What I wanted him to do…and I stated this in my letter to him…was to save me from Leila. But…as I also stated in my letter I know that that is not his job…that is not what a new romance is supposed to accomplish. Aside from all of that he has enough to do to get his own life back on track…get his own head back to a happy place without worrying about my happy head place. It’s a lot to ask of a person…and it’s not attractive…its not sexy…it is…in fact…frightening! So, while I would love nothing more than to spend some time with him I have not asked when we might see each other again. Truth is, I’d like to get myself to a position where I feel comfortable standing on my own two feet, without Leila in my life, and only allowing time for those that accept my imperfect self as is before we try to re-establish that part of the relationship.

William phoned me last night when he got home from a concert with his buddies. I was still at Lydias house letting the tequila make its slow exit from my bloodstream. We chatted for…well…a good long while. He told me that Leila was “overly happy all night” and Molly was ingratiating to him…almost flirting…going so far as to suggest that William might like to f*ck her. She may have just been joking around but he, of course, took it seriously and told her that he doesn’t go around just f*cking people for the sake of f*cking. Should this apparent cry for attention on Molly’s part bother me? Yes. But it doesn’t…that is Molly, and I’ve never really considered Molly a friend…more someone I’d chat with when I saw her at the pub. Of course…the tequila still coursing through my veins, I made a snarky comment reminding William about some nasty things she said about my size 10 frame and less than perfect breasts when compared to her size zero perky as all get all tatas. William said the perfect thing to make me feel better. he almost always does.


This afternoon I met Mark for drinks at The Zone. I filled him in on recent events with Leila. We discussed our writing, teaching, and spent some time catching up with each other since we’d not had any face time since before Christmas. As we were finishing up our last drink Leila came in with Sheila. Mark stopped by to say hi on his way to the loo, but we didn’t join them nor they us. When we left I stopped with Mark to say goodbye. Leila and I exchanged a very cordial hello and goodbye.

Works for me!