Raped

My talk…the one I had to get home and get some rest for last night…is done. I now sit here feeling like my brain has been raped. Early reports are that I did a good job. I feel like I did a good job. People seemed excited about my research it was received well. This bears well for the idea that my paper might get accepted and I can graduate soon…or even ever. Later I’m sure I will feel a sense of pride for what I’ve accomplished but at the moment I am mentally exhausted. After spending an hour fielding questions and trying to sound smart I just don’t want to think about anything real…and I especially don’t want to think about doing any of the additional experiments that were mentioned. Leave that for the next graduate student…I am done working up new protocols and delving down additional lines of inquiry. At least until they hand me that diploma that says “You have reached the highest level of education attainable…please go away and get a real job now”. Pile the new stuff on Higher and Deeper after that…just not now. And, its not that I’ve spent a tremendous amount of time stressing about this thing but I have been working late and not doing much in the way of relaxing since I woke up Monday morning knowing I’d have to make up for the loss of time this weekend. Work until I cant think anymore…blog a bit…catch up with a friend or two…grab something for dinner around midnight and then start hitting the snooze button a mere 5-6 hours later.

And all this after the weekend I had.

I am ready to just go lay on a beach with a margarita. Or simply take the weekend off and make good use of my netflix subscription. But no…Julie must grade 40 term papers and put together a fellowship application. All due by the end of next week…and none of it even started.

I suppose I should be grateful for the busy. The busy keeps my mind off the crazy. But in those rare moments when I allow myself a little time to think…my thoughts drift to my father, my brother, and my now former lover. All lost to me…quite possibly to the same disease. I am so tired of being strong. I am so tired of being alone.

Today after my talk I felt alone. All I wanted to do was go out with someone tonight. Go out…have a nice dinner and drink way too much wine. I felt like I needed to decompress and I couldn’t reach anyone. Not one of my friends was available to chat with dear ‘ol Julie at 2pm today. It’s those times that I wish I had someone that was obligated to pick up the phone...like the kind of boyfriend I’m used to having. The kind of boyfriend that never lets you wonder where you stand and always makes you feel like you are somewhere near the top of the priorities list. And for as much as I swear up and down that I’m done with men for the time being it is these times that give me pause to remember why we put ourselves out there in the first place. Why we dare to hope that this time it can be different.

We want someone to answer the phone. We want someone to hold our hands.

And then I got a text. It was from Sam. He thinks dinner sounds like a fine and dandy idea! So now I am off to have a nice dinner and drink way too much wine with a great friend…and while he may not be a boyfriend his company is exactly the kind I need tonight…is exactly what I want.