The Fence

I had begun a long post detailing events of this most recent weekend and the weekend before but have decided instead to keep it short. Things have reached a turning point with William and it’s not good. Or is it? I don’t know. After the conversation I just had with Paul I will leave the details to my own memory and the memories of the friends with whom I have processed. In my last post I alluded to an incident that I felt might mean the end to us. On Friday I spoke with the dreaded Simon for quite some time. It was actually a very good conversation in which I cleared up some misconceptions Simon had about me, and while I still don’t entirely trust him…I found out that William was indeed quite mad at me. I probably told him too much without telling him nearly everything there is to be told. At one point I said “I think there is a lot you don’t know about.” He agreed. Said William is so tight lipped and since all he sees is us interacting when he’s around he didn’t really get what was going on. There is much that I am leaving off the blog but at this point Simon feels like maybe William is wronging me in this, that maybe William hasn’t been fair to me. He confided to me that he doesn’t really understand Will and is trying to figure out what makes him tick. Upon hearing that I sit on the fence about this whole thing wondering if I should stay or go told me that he hoped William could get past this and suggested I just ride it out.

On Saturday, when I actually saw William he looked over at me. His look was expressionless and he moved to the other side of the room pointedly avoiding me. It was what I expected as I have not heard from Will since said incident. Simon suggested I not try to talk to William as they had been in the pub for quite some time and this was not the time to do so. I agreed with him and assured him that I would not. Simon confirmed for me that William was still mad and when I asked him if I should just leave Will alone…not contact him…and just walk as we had discussed on Friday. He said “No…call him…find out what’s up…just don’t do it tonight.”

A good idea, I thought.

Sunday was hard. The way Will was acting Saturday disturbed me. Not the fact that he wasn’t talking to me…I knew he wouldn’t. It was that he was overly happy…not his usual calm and brooding self.

Over the course of these events I have texted, emailed and called…all to no avail. What I want is closure. One way or the other I want to know where we stand. On Monday I sent the following email...

I’d really like to talk to you. What happened last Saturday night was an accident. I did not push you on purpose. I threw my hands up in frustration and stumbled into you. I know what you're thinking, but I also know that deep down you know that I’m not like that. You know that no matter how upset I’ve been…or how emotional our conversations have been that I’ve never raised my hand to you in anger. And I’ve only ever really yelled at you once…and that was more about Leila than you…you know that. Have I lost my cool at all since I cut her out of my life? No…I haven’t. I would never hurt you. I would never cheat on you. I would never disrespect you or talk shit about you behind your back. All I have ever done is be there for you, listen to you, support you, and care for you. Even if this cant be fixed. Even if we can’t move past this can we at least talk? Can we at least clear this up so that we can move on without hard feelings? Hope to hear from you soon.

After the incident that I mention in that email, “Oh my god…William” were the first words out of my mouth. At first he refused the hand I was holding out to help him up…looking up at me in shock. It took a few “C’mon Williams” to get him to take it and when he was on his feet he was out the door as fast as his legs could carry him. I was mortified. I followed him outside to apologize…tell him it was an accident…that I didn’t push him on purpose…remind him that we both had been at the till. At first he wouldn’t speak to me. He kept saying “I can’t do this right now…I can’t do this right now.” I implored him to hear me out and finally he did. When I said I’m sorry he wouldn’t look at me…he simply said “I know you’re sorry…but I can’t do this right now”. I said “Will it was an accident…you know it was an accident”. At first he didn’t look like he believed me but I kept saying c’mon…you know I wouldn’t do that and I saw a look on his face that seemed to say he recognized that I spoke the truth. I went on further to say that I was sorry that I’d pushed him to come over but I really needed a hug and I seriously didn’t understand why he didn’t want to…that if he cared for me, that if he loved me he would just do it. He said that he did care for me and did love me but that he “just can’t do this right now” interspersed with a bunch of “you deserve someone better”. So I said…so what…you’re never going to talk to me again. He said “no…I’ll still talk to you…I just can’t do this right now.” I looked at him. Just looked at him and he looked right back at me…eyes locked. Finally…I said quietly “OK” and I turned to walk to Pauls car.

Tonight I spoke with Paul. He saw William on Sunday night. He told me that William spoke to him. Apologized for how weird things had got between he and I. Said that we were not speaking, though Paul can’t remember if he said “at the moment” or not…a key detail if you ask me. Paul asked him the question he knew I wanted answered most. “So where does that leave it? Is it done?” Paul says Will hesitated and then said “Pretty much”. This was before the email I sent and I was unaware of this conversation when I did so. I asked Paul if he thought he meant it. A hesitation and a “Pretty much” is a lot different than a firm “Yes”. Paul could give me no answers though he did say “With William you just never know…he vacillates all the time…if anything it may be at a balance point.”

Who knows what my email will do to tip the balance one way or the other. My gut tells me that this is not done…that his failure to call me is his way of buying time for making a decision one way or the other. The only words less non-committal than “Pretty much” are “I don’t know.”

In any event…the least he could do me is the courtesy of a call, and a talk. Give me some closure. You may think I’m an idiot for not simply hardening my heart, calling him a jerk, and hating him for not being man enough to call me. But none of those things are true. I understand William and know that if he were really ready to end this…he would have called me by now to do so. He too…sits on the fence. For how long I don’t know but I always felt that this was maybe not the right time for us. That at some point we could be a stellar couple…just maybe not now. And while I have many times considered walking away these past couple of months I haven’t actually initiated the conversation as every time I tried to end it in the past I have been met with protest. He didn’t want me to leave him…wanted me to be patient…assured me that he would get more comfortable with the idea of a relationship.

In short…I know that William loves me deeply…he’s just “fucked up” and he’s far to “fucked up” to be with anyone right now. This I know.

Space and time is what my gut tells me. If it’s meant to be, it will be. I will make no further overtures or requests to talk. He knows…I don’t need to remind him. In the meantime…I have a really wonderful life full of great friends and a promising future. I will focus on that and not worry about the boy. Let the boy figure his shit out while I do mine. And if someone else comes along…or my feelings change…so be it. But I know myself. That will be a long time coming. I will hold him in my heart until someone…or something pushes him out. Call me a fool and I’ll tell you to mind your own heart while I mind mine.

If you love someone…let them go.
If they don’t come back…it was never meant to be.

Or…as I always like to say…

If they don’t come back…hunt them down and shoot them.