(Do) I Enjoy Being A Girl

People keep reminding me that Valentines Day is coming up and it’s annoying me. I don’t care about Valentines Day. I think Valentines Day is stupid. Why do I have to judge William based on what he does or doesn’t do on Valentines Day? I’d rather he just step up and quit hanging out with his loser friends on any other day of the year than this one day.

The fact that I woke up feeling like my body had been filled with cement and cramps strong enough to cripple Hercules probably isn't helping. And while we're talking about Hercules...what makes him so special? I wonder if he could deal with the kind of pain I'm dealing with right now.

Lets consider the trials of Hercules:

First he had to bring King Eurystheus the skin of an invulnerable lion which terrorized the hills around Nemea. Wow. He fought a lion.

After that he had to kill the Lernean Hydra, a monstrous serpent with nine heads, which defended itself with poisonous venom. Not an easy task when you consider that one of the nine heads was immortal and therefore indestructible. That sounds a little like Leila. She's pretty scary so I'll give him this one.

Next he had to kill some special deer that had golden horns and hoofs of bronze. Not such a bad thing really but this deer happened to be the special pet of Diana, the goddess of hunting and the moon. She was pretty peeved about the whole thing but once Hercules explained the situation she forgave him. It must not have been her time of the month.

Then…Eurystheus ordered Hercules to bring him the Erymanthian boar alive. In case you are wondering…a boar is a huge, wild pig with a bad temper. This particular boar supposedly had tusks growing out of its mouth. Sounds like quite a task but Hercules just chased the thing until it got really tired and then he impaled it with a spear. I could do that.

After this Eurystheus gave Hercules a break and simply ordered him to clean up King Augeas' stables. Sure…he got dirty and smelly and it sucked to be him for a while, but it’s not like he was asked to clean up after my other “not Paul” roommate. Even Hercules couldn’t have accomplished that without collapsing from exhaustion and disgust.

So…after he cleaned up the stables he had to get rid of some pesky birds that were gathered at a lake near the town of Stymphalos. Apparently these were no ordinary birds but were in fact vicious man-eaters. Yeah…well it’s not like Hercules was asked to date one of the vapid money grubbing latte sucking vampire queens that populate the greater Los Angeles area so…I don’t feel too bad for him.

Next he had to wrestle some bull. Men still engage in this kind of tom foolery so I don’t see why Hercules is so special.

Then he had to go round up the some man-eating mares that belonged to some Thracian king called Diomedes and bring them back to Eurystheus in Mycenae. What I want to know is…what is with all the man-eating animals in this story? I was under the impression that horses are vegan. This sounds like one of those "I once caught a fish thiiiiiis big" stories. I dont buy it.

For his ninth task, Hercules was ordered to bring Eurystheus the belt of Hippolyte…queen of a tribe of warrior women known as the amazons. It should come as no surprise that today I’m sitting here rooting for Hippolyte but we all know how the story ends. Hercules defeated her and then stole her belt and brought it back to Eurystheus just like the little man-bitch that he was. It probably was her time of the month.

Once he fetched the belt Hercules had to journey to the end of the world in order to bring Eurystheus the cattle of the monster Geryon. That better be some tasty steak for a journey to the end of the world. Especially when you consider that the world is round and therefore has no true end. Maybe this is the origin of the phrase “we’re just running around in circles and not getting anything done.” As I understand it though…Hercules did get those cattle…and the steaks were quite tasty. So he was sent to the store. Big deal.

Now things get really dicey for Hercules. Now he has to go up against Zeus, king of the gods, in order to bring Eurystheus some golden apples which belonged to him. So off Hercules goes…this time heading to the northern edge of the world…and it took like 30 years and he had to kill an eagle and trick Atlas into letting him take the apples but…he got them there…even if only for a moment. I might give Hercules this one. We are talking about Zeus after all.

And last, but not least, Hercules was sent to the underworld in order to kidnap the beast called Cerberus. Cerberus was a vicious beast who had three heads of wild dogs, a dragon for a tail, and heads of snakes all over his back. Somehow, Hercules faced this monster sans weapons and so Cerberus was defeated with a hug. That’s right…a hug. Some monster that Cerberus turned out to be. What a wimp! I'd like to see how Hercules holds up in the ring with Leila. I guarantee it would take more than a hug to subdue that monster. Therefore...I remain un-impressed.



So...I’ll give Hercules some props for being pretty brave and fairly tough, but I still think he’d have a hard time with feminine cramps…little man bitch that he was.