Absent Angst

After my last post Lydia says to me “I read your post and it was good but while I respect Will I miss the guts”. I knew what she meant, but wasn’t completely aware of what she meant until I re-read what I’d written. It’s not bad, but eh. She’s right. There was a certain quality missing...a certain something gone from the prose. And that certain something is angst.

Angst- a feeling of dread, anxiety, or anguish.

In previous posts I had spilled my guts upon the page detailing my tortured feelings about an important relationship gone off tracks. I had omitted key details from my description of my date with William in deference to his desire to remain anonymous. In short…I betrayed my voice for the man I l-l-l-l-love. But is it angst? Do I have an overwhelming feeling of dread, anxiety or anguish with regards to Will at this moment? Put quite simply, the answer is no. We had quite a talk that night…a talk in which I detailed how I felt about things that had been happening in our lives. In the course of this discussion I put myself out on a limb when I told him that I felt he and I were supposed to be together in this place…in this time. Can one truly feel angst when the person whose touch they’d craved for almost a month looks them in the eye and says “I think so too.” Or is that just mushy gushy pea soup for the romantic soul? Is it angst when that touch finally comes and it is all that you remembered it to be…all that you had been hoping for that had not been lost?

The answer, my friends, is no. That is not angst. The fact that not a day has passed since that night that I have not seen or spoken to Will is not angst. It is not angst I speak of when I tell you that he texted me on his way home from his evening on Saturday to ask “Are you ok”. My heart swelled when I realized that he wasn’t asking if I were very drunk, or very tired, or very angry, but was asking if I’d had a confrontation with Leila. He was asking if I needed him. Was the evening without incident? No. Did I need him? No. But I wanted him, and when he turned his car around at my request and headed to my house through pouring rain and flooded streets I knew…I knew he wanted me too.

Saturday night Paul and I went for drinks. We began our evening at a small beer pub down the street before heading over to the Zone to finish out the night and see our friend the bartender for the night, Sally. When we got there the first thing I saw was William, and the second…Leila. Paul secured seats at a table far from where Leila sat with Sheila. When I first approached the bar William kept his gaze straight ahead, though I know he sensed my presence. My hello either not heard or ignored I returned to my seat wondering if Wednesday had actually happened. I kept my disappointment to myself when Paul finally joined me at the table having spent a few minutes chatting with Will. When the time came for my second round Paul followed me to the bar and got Williams attention…effectively forcing Will to put me in his eye line. Again I smiled and said hello. This time I was rewarded with kind eyes and a soft hello. Wednesday had happened. I made some silly small talk with the two of them before returning to the table where I observed Will making a few adjustments to his appearance that he personally doesn’t care for, but knows I find appealing.

Shortly thereafter Will left with his drunken and obnoxious “friend” Simon for Loons and Goons. I approached him and asked if he were leaving. “Yes” he said “I have to.”…no doubt recalling previous times when this action would send me into spiral of insecurity. I ignored his look of trepidation, smiled and said “Have a good time. Come over or call me when you’re done”. I tickled his tummy when he told me he didn’t think he’d have any fun and that he’d call me in a bit.

If you are waiting for the part where I tell you of fireworks between Leila and I you are just going to have to wait for it never occurred. She snubbed not only me, but Paul as well. Paul who had joined Molly and her for drinks on Thursday night didn’t even rate a hello for his association with me. To this day I have no idea what is going on in her head…why she has not characteristically tried to mend fences…broken by what I don’t know. Perhaps broken by my desire not to have her dictating how I live my life, who I associate with, and what I feel about situations? What I do know is the broken tie between Leila and I has not gone unnoticed by the various norms that populate The Zone. This fact was made pointedly clear to both Paul and I as we sipped our after hours beverages.

“What’s going on with you and Leila” belted Patsy, the drunken barfly of this tale. A bit taken aback by this question from a woman I know not from Adam I replied “Nothing”, hoping this would put the issue to bed. But that was not to be and what follows is the condensed version of what followed.

Patsy: Well…you guys used to hang out all the time and I see that you guys didn’t speak tonight.
Me: Oh…yeah…well…we haven’t really been speaking lately…I’m not sure what’s up…she hasn’t called me and I haven’t called her.
Patsy: Why not…you guys used to hang out all the time.
Me: I don’t really know but I don’t see that it’s any of your business anyway.
Patsy: Oh…c’mon…she’s hurting.
Paul: She’s hurting? Patsy…you have no idea what you’re talking about.
Patsy: Well I could tell she was upset…she didn’t even say hello to you guys.
Me: Well…that’s her problem.
Patsy: Oh can’t you guys just kiss and make-up.
Me: No…I don’t think we can.
Paul: Patsy…you are way out of line. You don’t know Leila and you have no idea what you’re talking about. She’s a really hard person to be friends with.
Patsy: Oh…I think I know Leila…I’ve known her for years.
Me: Chatting with her at the bar from time to time doesn’t really constitute knowing a person and if you were as close to her as Paul and I are you would understand why we have no interest in mending fences.
Paul: Yeah…Leila has no concept of give and take and until she can learn that both of us are done with her shit.
Patsy: Oh…I know she can be difficult but she’s lonely…she needs you…give her what she needs.
Me: (fire blazing in my eyes) Give her what she needs? Give her what she needs? What about what I need? What about what Paul needs? I’m empty…done…used up…tired…I can’t continue give give giving and getting nothing but crap in return. You don’t know what you’re talking about…just mind your business.

I saw Sally looking uncomfortable as she was experiencing her own troubles trying to get the bar closed down. I put my face in my hands and chanted to myself “Just shut up Julie…just let it go”. At this point Paul put his hand on my shoulder signifying he would handle the situation from this point forward. He, unlike me, actually knows Patsy well. The above conversation played like a loop and continued on into the car as we gave Patsy a ride home. Finally…tired of hearing Paul defend me…defend himself…I turned around in my seat and said “Patsy…I don’t know you, but I appreciate that you care about Leila…believe me…we do to…and we wish her well…we just cant continue giving up ourselves trying to make her happy…as it just isn’t possible”. My words either finally sank in or Patsy was too drunk and tired to continue her defense of this woman who she barely knew as she finally said “I guess I don’t know what I’m talking about.”

Really? Ya think?

After we dropped Patsy off we headed off to get some post bar grub. As we waited in cue we discussed the conversation with Patsy and how I still really didn’t understand why Leila had set me up with William if she thought he was such a bad guy…did she want me to be happy or not? As Paul was conjecturing that she wanted me to be “happy, but not too happy” my phone beeped. It was that text from William asking “Are you ok”. I turned my phone to Paul and asked “Is this the kind of thing a bad guy does?” “No” he replied with a smile. I texted back letting William know that I was indeed OK, and it actually wasn’t a lie…I really was.

That night when Will came over I didn’t mention the conversation with Patsy. Nor did I mention it the following day as we listened to the rain pelt the ground outside, safely cuddled up watching movies, laughing at each other and chatting about this that and the other thing. After he left to go do “guy stuff” Lydia came over and we shared girl talk and a meal with Paul. And while you might expect that Will would skip his nightly check-in call having spent the entire day with me you would be wrong. I still have not gone a day without hearing from him...tonight included.

And I know that Will still worries about pleasing me, and he still worries about being the man he feels he needs to be. I know that he can’t make any promises about the future and I know that he has too many worries about his own future to worry about us, but what I said to him when he voiced these concerns to me on Saturday night was, “You have nothing to worry about with us. This is the one thing you don’t have to worry about…because us is just fine”. And I meant that as much then as I do now because I know...I mean...I really know that he feels for me as I do him.

And that…is a wonderful thing.