Unsociable Sociability

This quarter I am a teaching assistant for a Bioethics course. It was a last minute assignment, but they desperately needed a TA and my “boss” thought it would be right up my alley. It almost scares me how well this man knows me…but then again…I’m pretty much an open book. I am not giving the lectures…rather I am moderating the discussions, which amount to little more than debates on issues such as abortion rights, animal research, eugenics, euthenasia (right to die) etc. etc. etc. Essentially…I am getting paid to do what I sit around and do with my friends while throwing back cocktails. I am, however, supposed to attend the lectures so that I know what the “kids” are learning.

Today we discussed Kantian philosphy.

Kant, 1784, Idea For A Universal History With A Cosmopolitan Purpose
(Idee zu einer allgemeinen Geschichte in weltbürgerlicher Absicht)

Man has an inclination to associate with others, because in society he feels himself to be more than man...But he also has a strong propensity to isolate himself from others, because he finds in himself at the same time the unsocial characteristic of wishing to have everything go according to his own wish. Thus he expects opposition on all sides because, in knowing himself, he knows that he, on his own part, is inclined to oppose others.

In other words:

We seek company yet wish to be "left alone".

This made me think of William. We spoke on the phone last night. Nothing too heavy…just conversation but the one thing that bothered me was that he hung out with Leila for a couple of hours last night. Not because he wanted to, but because she was at the pub and “insisted”. I told him that he can tell her he just wants to be alone, that he is not required to speak with anyone he doesn’t wish to. He said that he had told her that the last time and it was really OK because he just let her do most of the talking. As he went on about the evening, and her name kept coming up, I started to get really annoyed.

(Sidebar: What really got to me is that I hate that she forces herself on people. The first night Leila and I went out after Will and I started dating she automatically assumed that we would sit with Will. He was at a table with a confidante…a trusted friend…an older man in whom he seeks advice and guidance. I knew this would not be a time or a place for me to be running up on him, but before I could say anything Leila went on over and sat down. I mean...we're all regulars...right? I could tell by Wills body language that he was uncomfortable but didn’t want to offend me or her. And before you say it…we never used to sit with Will when we would go to the Pub together. I told her later that it wasn't cool and after that...just about every time that she and I were in the pub together while William was there she would give me shit because we didn’t sit with him. “Its weird Jules…why wouldn’t he want to sit with you?” I told her that early on he and I had discussed the pub rules. We both frequented the same haunts before we got together and there was no reason in the world we had to start acting like conjoined twins just because we’d started seeing each other…that it was perfectly OK to come over and say “Hi" and we should never be afraid to “butt in” but that our friend time had to be respected. This was a mutual desire on our parts, but no matter how many times I explained this to her she never “got it”. And the fact of the matter is he often would come over and join us after awhile. Usually after he had decompressed from his day.)

But...back to the subject at hand. After awhile of listening to his re-cap of the night which included some rather astute observations of Leilas particular style of controlling a situation I said “Ya know…you could just go somewhere else.”

“Where” he asked and then listed his reasons for not going to certain other spots more often. All good reasons I might add…but it bothered me still.

“Why don’t you go somewhere else when she shows up?” to which he replied “Normally that would be a great idea, but she’s in the pub every single night these days and I cant afford loons and goons every night”. My annoyance reached a fever pitch…enough so that I said “Well…we are either going to have to get off the phone or change the subject because Im starting to get really annoyed…and it really pisses me off that you’re off hanging out with her when you and I havent communicated face-to-face in almost a month blah blah blah.” And as I went on I realized that it wasn’t that I was annoyed…I was jealous. Jealous that she was seeing him when I had not. Surely this fact was evident to him as well as he cut off my rant with a “Jules…calm down…she and I have been frequenting that place and doing this little dance for years, and I understand where you’re coming from but don’t forget…this his how we met…and I don’t know why she’s in the pub so much these days, but I can only brush her off so many times before there’s bound to be trouble.” Right. He was completely right. I forced myself to calm down and said “You are right…Im sorry…I shouldn’t be annoyed…its not my right or my place…but…” And…god love the man he cut me off and said “You are allowed to have any emotion you have…its just an emotion…better to share it then bottle it up…its OK to flip-out sometimes…its not like I don’t know where you’re coming from.”

We changed the subject. He told me about his day which was mildly stressful and then told me he “needed a hug”. I told him “I’d be happy to give you one but since this is a phone call…you’re just going to have to settle for a virtual hug.” He replies “That’s just not the same.” So I said “Well…what can I say. You're the one that wanted some space” and I gave him some shit about how he used to really enjoy seeing me…that he used to be really comfortable in my presence…and that I honestly didn’t understand what the problem was. He said “I know…I don’t know…I know…its hard to explain and quite frankly I cant believe you are sticking by me.”

Hmmmm. I said. I didn’t tell him about the post I had finished only 30 minutes before he called me. I didn’t tell him all the reasons why I felt he could have this space...why I figured he’s worth the wait. What I did tell him is…as long as there will come a day that you can be in a room alone with me I am fine with waiting. He laughed and said he didn’t know how much longer he was going to be feeling “funny” but that it wouldn’t last forever and I said fine…as long as there is an eventually I could wait…but that I wouldn’t wait forever.

After that we changed the subject and I made him laugh and we had a really good time just chatting about pie in the sky and nothing that important. When we said goodnight I told him he could “come on by for that hug any old time you want.”

Today, when I saw those words up on the screen during lecture; “We seek company yet wish to be left alone" I thought of William...a man who covets his alone in a crowd time so.

And as she went on to explain what that meant I got it.

Its not Leilas opinion he cares about…its mine. And this…this thing that he is going through…he has to figure out for himself without opposition from me...real or perceived. And I suppose the phone conversations are a good way to figure out if Im on page with him.

So much easier to hang up a phone than walk out of a room...no?

Ah...LIGHTEN UP ALREADY!!!!!

And now...for your listening enjoyment may I present...