Technological Blunder

If you’ve been reading this blog you may recall a little piece of mind I found early last week. You may also recall that after my heart to heart with William I promised that the neurotic mess I normally am would be back.

I’m baaaaaack!

The neurotic over-analyzer has re-taken possession of my psyche and is currently driving me bonkers. Welcome to the dollhouse.

Allow me to preface this by saying that I had a GREAT time last night. Went out for curry and beverages of the adult variety with some of the coolest people I know…Mark, Paul, and my new friend Lydia who through a six degrees of Kevin Bacon was brought into my life via Mark. Mark doesn’t remember giving me her blog address…but Mark doesn’t remember a lot of things. We had a great time sniffling our way through our curry and cooling our palates with Indian beer. After dinner we went to a pub down the street where we continued the merriment. The place was packed and the drinks were overpriced but it was nice to do something different. I love the cheap and stiff drinks that can be had at Farts n Darts or The Zone but there was plenty of eye-candy and it always does the ego good to notice the cute guy that keeps looking your way hoping to catch your eye.

Toward the end of the evening I reached into my purse to get my cigs and saw that my phone was blinking. I had just missed a call from William. Figuring it was his usual end of the night check-in call I sent him a text letting him know that I was at a very loud place and would be home late but would call him later unless he was heading to sleep. As I was sending this text a message came through. It was from William. I finished my text and put my phone back in my purse as I figured I could listen to his “just calling to say hi” message when I got home. But then a feeling came over me. A feeling that something wasn’t right and that maybe William wasn’t OK. When the lights came up signaling the end of the broadcast day I finished my drink, and went outside to listen to my message as the rest of the gang finished theirs.

Hey Julie…its William. I guess I feel (30 seconds or so of silence)...

The rest of the message led me to believe that he was upset. Upset at what or who I do not know. I don't think he could be mad at me for anything...I haven't even seen the man for almost a month. He hoped I was doing well and hadn't woken me, but when a key component of a message is missing, and you dont know who he may have spoken to...you've almost got to accept any possibility...no matter how far fetched you think it might be.

What is in this vortex of silence? Curse…no curse is not quite right…damn to hell…the black hole that sucked away the words that may be crucial to figuring out his state of mind when he left me that message. I might say it was simply a pause but when his voice finally played in my ear again it sounded mid-sentence…mid-thought. I mean…I know it was mid-sentence. That is the one thing I am sure of. I phoned him back but he did not pick up. Left a message letting him know that we were finishing up…that he didn’t sound good…and I would be up for a couple of hours if he wanted to talk. I also sent two other texts letting him know #1 that I was worried and here for him and #2 that I didn’t know who he was pissed off at? …I’m confused…what happened? I knew he’d been at the pub…so I’m sure he left that message and then promptly fell asleep so I wasn’t really expecting a reply. Safe in that knowledge I momentarily put it out of my mind and bid my friends farewell. On the ride home I told Paul about the message and chewed his ear off about it. He assured me that William was just being his typical broody self and that I should not worry about it. That he had been out at the pub and we both know there is almost always some kind of drama there…that he is likely quite inebriated and might not even remember this message in the morning. But I wonder. Still feeling the sting of back-talking and deceptive maneuvers by people that are supposed to be my friends I wondered what happened…what sent him into such an emotional state. As you may guess…I didn’t sleep well last night…but I did sleep.

This afternoon I send a final text and for the sake of any non-texters out there I’ve translated the text jargon into English. It read,”Thinking about you. Don’t know who got you upset or about what. Hole in message. Hope you’re feeling a little better today. Call me when can”

And now I will wait patiently for him to return my communiqués. But that doesn’t mean I won’t obsess.

What is in that silence…that length of un-recorded message…is whatever it was he was feeling when he left me that message. Deceived? Hurt? Confused? Like an ass? Depending on whom he spoke to and what they had to say it could be any of those. Was Leila there? Did she feed him lies? Did someone else speak kindly of me and make him feel like a heel for keeping me at arms length for so long? Or did he simply sit and ponder some of the things we’ve conversed about over the past week or so coming to some revelation that had previously eluded him? What and/or who is he pissed at? Does he think he’s in trouble with me or someone? Or...did he simply have a bad night and was wishing he'd not chased me off...wishing maybe he'd seen me last night instead of whoever it is he spent time with? Is there a place that lost messages go? Are these missing words currently residing next to the one pair of sunglasses I own not being held together by a safety pin or paper clip?

Oh yes…I am most definitely a girl. I am 100% all the way…girl.

My gut tells me that he is not upset with me. If he were would he “hope I’m doing well?” Would he hope he hadn’t woken me? I doubt it. My gut tells me he was reaching out. But what has made him pissed? And why is the evening inching toward midnight with no phone call? No clarification? I have no idea what is going on in that mans head. I emailed Lydia and told her I wished I could be like J. Lo in The Cell and actually go rooting around in his head...see what's hidden in all the trunks in all the corners of his mind. And if I could…would I really want to know? I would guess not.

Well…there’s not much I can do but wait to hear from him. Even if it takes a month…I’ve got a life to live…work to do…and friends to see. Now I will retire to a bath, a late night supper and perhaps a chick flick.

Will my phone ring tonight? Will I have to wait a month to find out what was going through that mans head when he phoned me last night? I really don’t know.

But I won’t think about that now.

And in the immortal words of Miss Scarlett O’ Hara; “I'll...I'll think about that tomorrow. After all, tomorrow is another day!"



Note: If you like the painting of the young woman on the couch you can purchase this or similar work online at banayat fine art.