Today I feel indifferent. Back to the whole idea that "something is wrong with that boy...it's not just an act" so its best that we're not together. I still think he could have handled it a lot better than he did. I vacillate about whether or not I'd one day like to be friends. I vacillate about whether or not I should send him a birthday email. Right now I say no. Its an olive branch that I don't really want to lay down. The work just keeps on piling in and I expect the rest of this month to be extremely busy. With all that I need and want to accomplish I wouldn't really have time for daily phone conversations with William right now anyway.Tonight I meet with my therapist for the first time. I intend to discuss these happenings with him. See what his professional opinion is. I guess the thing that I cant wrap my mind around is that he'll "never speak to me again". I can completely understand him walking away given what's going on in his head, but what I really don't understand is the "I'll never speak to you again" thing. Why...if on some intellectual level he knows that I did nothing wrong...as he indicated to me when we spoke...can we not chat every now and then? Be civil. Have at least some of what we had...even though It will never be what it was. Which...I don't even want at this point. I honestly don't understand the depth of his anger with me...over something so small...so ordinary...so common. Its as if he feels I've betrayed him in some way. All of the things I said that I didn't like about William, that I am not sad to see leave my life still hold and I don't want him back. I want a more suitable mate for my future. But what I do miss and am having a hard time letting go of is that we had so much in common on both an everyday and spiritual level. That he understood me on a level that very few people really do. That I could say something vague and he would get exactly what I meant without further explanation.
But, as Zabel just reminded me. So what. Eventually I wont even think about this...it will be in the past. And if history bears true she's right. I don't miss talking to the guy I dated before William. I really liked chatting with that guy too. We too got along great and had things in common. Funny enough...now that I think about it...William and he weren't so dissimilar in their selfishness. In fact, I can think of only one man that I've gone out with that wasn't selfish. Perhaps therapy will help me figure out why I seem so drawn to men that take but don't give. Why I push away the ones that do. Many things to think about in the coming months. Things that need to be resolved before I attempt to date again.
For now, though...I just need to make it to March 21 and all the deadlines that loom on that day.
God...that's only a week away! Panic attack anyone?
3 comments:
See, that's the thing. We can care for and really, REALLY know we are in loooooooove, and then after it ends, we are surprised when we don't miss them. What we miss is that feeling of being in love.
That is...until someone comes along that a) isn't the same type that you usually would pursue b) treats you consistantly with consideration and sincerity over a longer and longer length of time and c) you realize one day after spending months or even years seeing him that if they were suddenly out of your life you would seriously miss him. Like an appendage.
Just ride this storm out. You are too busy right now to fit William's moods in. If you try to carry too much, something will cave and you don't want it to be you.
Yeah. That "seriously miss him" thing is what I felt for both of my "normal" years long term guys, and it took me a loooong time to get over them. They consumed 13 years of my life and I cant say I would give back even one moment of it. Even the heartache was worth the good times I shared with them.
However, in the three years since my last LTR I have met so many wierdos. Guys that seem normal on the surface but then turn out to have some serious issues. I dont know if its the drinking water in Los Angeles or what, but Im starting to think that you cant trust anyone anymore...that all the non "F'd" up guys in my age group are married or jaded so why even bother. I dont really want to be that person. I dont want to be that "jaded" girl. I fight it, but Im starting to wonder why.
Who knows. William knows he needs to get help but isnt. Not my problem. Not my problem. Not my problem. right? right?
You can't fix that boy.
Nothing about how amazing, hilarious, stunning, kind, intelligent, giving or simply great you are can fix that boy.
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