A Beautiful Mind

The weekend started out good. Dinner with Mark and Paul in celebration of Marks birthday on Friday, a Party on Saturday night, and get some work done on Sunday. So many things to do that there was no time to worry about what was going on with William and I. I had 22 CD’s sitting on my floor that suggested things would work out eventually and I’d just live my life and do all the things that needed doing in the meantime. That was the plan. But…as is often the case things didn’t work out quite the way I’d expected.

After dinner on Friday we went for drinks. William was there…still not speaking to me. He didn’t look particularly inebriated so I figured it would be a good time to confront him and simply say that he’d have to speak to me eventually…end this the proper way…and I did. Without going into too much detail it is over. It is so over it is like a death. And it isn’t because William doesn’t love me…it’s because he does. There is so much to say. So much to write about…but I can’t do it here. I simply cannot send this out into the universe. I love William too much to do that. He is a good man...just not a man that I can ever be with. He recognizes this and is walking away…to protect me. You might be reading this thinking to yourself “sure…she was probably fed a bunch of lines that she is lapping up like a kitten does a bowl of fresh milk”. But if you had been a part of the conversation we had you would know that this is not true. My William…the man that now lives in my memories…is dead. Even he doesn’t understand what is going on in his head. He once told me that if what has happened ever happened again…I should leave him. He grabbed my hands, looked into my eyes, and said “Leave me…don’t walk…run...I love you too much to let you get hurt”. I have never in my life had an experience like this; have never counseled a friend that has had an experience like this, nor do I ever want to. All that was confusing about us is now crystal clear. It all makes perfect sense…perfectly sad sense.

In the end…he is sorry that he is the way he is. He is sorry that he drew me into it. He tried. He couldn’t. He can’t. He has spent the last 8 years single. He hasn’t gotten involved with anyone. What he thought was healed was only dormant. He wouldn’t have gotten involved with me if he weren’t so taken with me. He would be with me even now if he weren’t so taken with me. This I know.

We left it with a hug. Him telling me he’s sorry as I tell him he can have his stuff back whenever he wants it. “Thank you” was all he had to say to that. He walked out the door and I re-joined my friends. They asked me if I were OK. OK? At the time I didn’t even know. I was in shock. There is no other word to describe how I felt when I walked away from that man on Friday night. I told them I was fine…that it’s over…that I’m OK with it being over and that it’s some “crazy shit”. Mark looks me and says deadpan “Just stay away from him Jules…he’s crazy”. Molly does not press me for details. Simply tells me that he has been confiding in Leila about his past and lapping up her bull. Molly, who has since broken ties with Leila herself, agrees with me that this is a bad combination. With Leilas personality type…and where William is in his head right now…he is likely to subject her to what he will not subject me too. Ask me if I care and I’ll tell you no…and mean it.

I broke down on the way home, confiding in Paul all that I would not say in the pub. Saturday afternoon I went to lunch with Lydia. I laid out in gory detail the events of the night before. It’s heavy stuff that I have shared only with them. I feel that I have burdened them both with this. This is not your normal break-up scenario. I am not OK right now and they both know it. Neither knows what to say, or do, to help me get through this. I have a couple of other friends I will need to share this with, and a therapist to talk to on Tuesday. The jumble of thoughts and emotions that course through my head will be sorted out eventually. For now…I hold to the one thing that is keeping me from completely losing it. And that is the memories. The memories of when things were good and I was falling for a kind, caring, funny, and intelligent man…a man who would look at me with such love in his eyes that my heart would melt. Up until this weekend he was a man with a painful past afraid of getting involved…getting hurt again…but he was trying. And while at times it seemed he wasn’t…I now know that he really truly was. At least those memories are real. None of it was a lie. A bittersweet romance that that was over before it even began. Hopefully he and I can one day be friends, though that will not be happening anytime soon. He tells me that he will never speak to me again but who can say. Crystal balls exist only in the movies.

I love him. I miss him. I mourn all that could have been. I will not tolerate anyone saying anything mean about him. Despite all that happened, all the inconsistencies and confusion, all the ways in which he has apparently wronged me…he was and is being a good man to me. As good a man as he can be.

It will take some time to get over this…to process all of this, but I will go on. There will be other men…but I will always hold a place in my heart for William…a man with a beautiful mind.