Manic

Do you remember manic panic hair colors? If not...it was hair dye that came in a variety of "off-the-wall" colors. Red wasn't just red...it was fire engine red. And don't even get me started on the blues, greens, and violets that could be had. If this still isn't clear in your mind just check out the swatches to your left.

Today...if I could...I would dye a section of my hair each and every color on that swatch. One color for each day my emotions shift.

Snow White is definitely my pick for Saturday. Saturday I was in shock. I couldn't...and still cant really believe the events of Friday night. I talked about it, processed it, went over it again and again in my mind but I don't think I really accepted it. How could I? It was like something out of a Kubrick film...like a dream...or a nightmare...or a trip to OZ. Into no convenient category did it or does it fit. There were no words that could comfort or explain or analyze. It was and is what it is. At the end of the day...physically and emotionally spent, all I could do was sleep.

Shocking Blue would do well for Sunday. Sunday I was sad. I spent the entire day completely and utterly sad. Accepting that what had happened on Friday was real I was forced to deal with the finality of it. Every time my thoughts drifted to the normal break-up mind journeys in which he and I would casually bump into each other three months later only to re-discover the magic we had once known I was forced to remember the events of Friday night. There would be no reconciliation. No re-thinking of the final decision. No putting the past behind us. It was over...for good. Without the aid of fantasy futures there was no release. Yes...blue for Sunday is perfect.

A little bit of Red for Monday. Even though I'm starting to resemble a flag I choose red for Monday because Monday I was pissed. I was really really pissed. What readers may not understand is that this was not the first time this has happened with William. It was Monday that I came to the realization that he had not been completely honest with me about his past including his role in the events that occurred between he and his ex. How could he? How could he get me involved in all of this? How could he risk it? How could he do this KNOWING that the longer we went on the HARDER it would be for me to get over him...to get used to him not being in my life. I told him in December that if I walked then I would be OK, but a few months from now maybe not. Yet...knowing...and likely already dealing with the issues that would bring about the eventuality of our tryst he grabbed me as I walked out the door and begged me to be patient. Maybe he really liked me that much that he thought he could change...or maybe he was just being a selfish jerk. On Monday all I saw was the selfish jerk. Red. Red for Monday is absolutely perfect.

Mix red with blue to make violet for Tuesday and you have confusion soon to become indifference. Tuesday I started out feeling a little sad that William and I wouldn't be able to be friends. I had liked him. He could be a funny guy, and he was really smart, and patient. I really liked him and couldn't fathom that I wouldn't know him anymore. We don't have to be a couple to say hi to each other now and again, right? I really didn't and still don't understand how you can go from being so close to someone to "I'll never speak to you again". I've never not spoken to an ex again. But then after my therapy session in which I deconstructed this whole thing I realized that I had spent an entire session on William. And I didn't do it because I wanted to process my feelings about it. I did it because I wanted my therapist to tell me what he thought was wrong with William so that I could find some way to get him some help...even if he wouldn't speak to me. But later that night I thought....where was I in all of this? What am I doing here? I wasn't getting what I needed and now I'm REALLY not getting what I need so why the hell am I worried about someone that refuses to help themselves? This...will be the topic of my next session with the therapist.

And for today? What color do I chose for Wednesday? Green. Green is the color of spring. Green is the color of fresh starts. Green is the color of good things to come. I love green. I love green almost as much as Lydia loves green. Green is a good color for a girl who remembered today that she is...in general...a happy person. A happy person who hasn't been happy for awhile now. For as much as I care(d) about William he was making me sad. He tried to be happy for me, and he tried to affect normalcy for me but his problems and his maudlin Morissey song moods eventually won the day. Couple to that the fact that he wasn't there for me in any way shape or form. Not even to cook a pot roast, watch a video, and maybe do me proper. All this maudlin bullshit and I wasn't even getting laid. Hell...I was "spoken for" so I didn't even have the prospect of going out and getting some. No wonder I've been depressed.

But not today...today I'd dye my hair green because I am feeling more like myself than I have in months. Leila is gone and has been gone for a couple of months now. Its been almost 2 and a half weeks since I've been in daily contact with William so I'm no longer being yanked forward and backward then side to side. I don't think I've truly felt this way for almost nine years. I went from a suffocating and isolating relationship with a man to a suffocating and isolating friendship with a psychopath after which I hopped on Mr. Toads Wild Ride with William. I really honestly can start living my life for me.

Maybe for the first time in almost 10 years I can live my life for me.

Weird.

Orange. Orange is a weird color. Most people don't like orange. I like orange. I always have. I believe I'll chose orange for tomorrow because starting tomorrow I'm going to put more focus on me and damn the orange haters to hell...I'm saving a section of hair for that most maligned color because I like it. And if you don't...just remember...this dye job isn't about you...its about me.

Now...me has to go home and get some sleep because me has to give a talk tomorrow. A talk that I only just finished putting together and haven't even gone through once. but...I'll get up early and run through it a few times and even if it isn't GREAT...it will still be good.