Boys Suck. Throw Rocks at Them. (Addended)

I'm feeling better today. I don't much miss William today. In fact...I'm a little pissed off. That might sound weird, but after I spoke to Lydia last night I thought really hard about it. What am I actually missing here? When we met he was great. It was the start of a basic normal relationship. He or I would phone the other, make a plan to do something and then we'd do it. If I phoned him he would answer the phone or call me right back. If he told me he'd call me on his lunch break to firm up a plan he would. But that all changed Thanksgiving weekend. After Thanksgiving he didn't seem interested in me anymore. That's not to say the didn't contact me. He did. He called me pretty much every day. He just didn't want to see me. I would ask him if he wanted to do things and he wouldn't.

By mid-December I was fed up and I tried to break it off with him but he pleaded with me to be patient. So I was. I gave him until after Christmas as he asked. But...nothing really changed after Christmas. In January when I let him off the hook and told him it was OK that he walked after we had a fight he called me right back. And I decided to try and be patient again. I mean...I really liked the guy and we had a lot in common. We talked on the phone for a couple of weeks before he finally asked me to see a movie with him. And then that was it. He never made another overture to see me. Just called me every night. Yes...he was busy. Yes...he was taking care of things that needed taking care of but he had time to go out with his friends. Just not with me. That really bothered me and in all truth I was getting a little tired of being the last on his list of people to see. We spent more time talking on the phone about things we might do together than actually doing them.

This isn't what I want out of a relationship. I was hanging on to a promise that I'm fairly sure now was never actually going to be fulfilled. And I can beat myself up as much as I want over what happened but it was going to happen eventually. Better now than a year from now. I was never going to have that man and he knew it. Its not like this problem he has just cropped up. From what I understand...from him...this happened with his last girlfriend and this is why he's not going to do it again. THIS HAS HAPPENED BEFORE!!!! I now wonder if she was really as bad as he made her out to be because he is certainly demonizing me at this point and I KNOW I was a good woman to him. Can't be with me? Fine. Never going to speak to me again? That hurts. That really hurts. I was a really good woman to that man and I got almost nothing back...and I didnt even ask for much. And I guess right now I'm sorta forgetting about the whole mental illness aspect going on here but for crying out loud...HE KNEW! And he didn't let me walk when I had the chance to not be affected by it. When I could have just said "Just another LA jerk-off that wasn't really into me in the first place". We might actually be friends today if he had let me go back in December.

And that's what pisses me off. I don't even get to know him in any way shape or form now and I really liked the guy...as a person! I am mad. I hate this part where you have to get used to not knowing the person. It was one thing to just do my thing and thinking eventually maybe we'd find our way back but this finality sucks! Its like being given a gift and then having the giver steal it from you. Arrrrrggghhhh!

I'm glad this thing is over. I'm glad I get to move on now. What William was offering is not what I want. He was maudlin, depressed, paranoid, selfish, and unable to make a decision about anything other than what time he should get to the bar. I was fine for comfort and support but when it came right down to it he preferred hanging out with his buddies. He cared about me...that much I know. He loved me...that much I know. But that's not a reason to stay with someone. There are other men that might be able to find it within their power to love and care about me. THEY might even want to spend time with me. THEY might want to go have a drink with me every now and again. THEY might actually make a plan with me on a Friday or Saturday night.

I have needs too and its high time I start asserting them, attending to them, and believing that they matter.

To hell with boys.

Single is better.

Addendum: I feel like a god damn freak going from one emotion to the next. Yesterday I'm sad and worried about the guy. Today I am so mad at William. I don't feel sorry for that guy anymore. How could he do this? What kind of jerk strings a girl along for months and then because of one little mistake....an accident...says the things he says to me? Just say you want out. Its not like I've ever forced the guy to be with me. When I've tried to leave...he's told me he'll cry...or to be patient...he cares for me soooo very much. Whatever. I almost want to write what he said on the blog. Send out to the world the horrible scary things he said to a woman that has done nothing but care for him. I almost want to tell people he knows what that he said to me. I want to tell them all that he has been calling me every night bitching about them to me. Using me for emotional support and then he has the gal to demonize me like this? He says he's not...that he just cant do this...that he doesn't even understand what's going on in his head, but I wonder...is it all just a bunch of B/S? Is it really possible that he is THAT sick in the head and noone has noticed or is it just an act to get me to leave him alone? And even if he is...he knew this could happen. He had this problem before with his ex. Does he really think there is a woman out there that is NEVER going to upset him? That is ridiculous! Its not like he's currently in therapy and for the condition he THINKS he has which I'm not even sure he does he really ought to be. He once told me he wanted to be an actor. He told me a lot of stuff actually. I'll just bet that if I dug I'd find out it's all a bunch of lies. I am too trusting. I am too forgiving. The jaded on men girl is returning. Is there anyone in this world that you can trust? Are all men psychos in one way or another?


Right now...I want to throw rocks at William. Right at his tweaked little head!


Not really, but it felt sorta good to write.


Boys are Stupid. Throw rocks at them.