Sitting on the floor of my bedroom are 22 CD's in a target bag. 22 CD's that William loaned to me. 22 good CD's. Some are things that I once owned on record or tape. Some are things that William thought I would like (he was right). All meant to be loaded onto my iTunes/iPod so that we would have music we'd both like to listen to in the car or here at my home (not all of my stuff is fit for his ears).Back in the early days...the first time we had a disagreement...he asked me if I'd sold them. I had laughed and said "No...who would do something like that?" "You'd be surprised" he'd said. Seems William has had some real quality women in his life.
The first time we "broke up" I told him he could have his stuff back whenever he wanted it. I had sent him a letter after a big argument. I was letting him off the hook. I told him that if and when he felt ready he could knock on my door. He called me almost immediately. I look back on that conversation from early January. A conversation that once graced the pages of this blog and will now grace it once more...
Me: Hello…this is a surprise.
Will: yeah…I figured as much…And you’re awake…as usual.
Me: yeah…I'm writing.
Will: (chuckling). Gooood.
Me: Yeah…I’ve got a lot on my mind…a lot that needs to be put on paper….things to process. I’m thinking I should re-start my blog.
Will: That’s probably a good idea.
Me: Yes.
Will: I wish I were a writer…but I can’t write the way you do.
Me: Have you actually read anything I’ve written (and I’m thinking of some of my stories and articles)
Will: Well…I read your letter.
Me: Oh right…the letter.
Will: Are you sitting down?
Me: Yes.
Will: Are you ready for this?
Me: (my heart fluttering because I knew what was coming) Yes.
Will: Are you sure?
Me: Please just say what you have to say.
Will: I want to thank you for that letter. It was long, but I read the whole thing.
Me: Yeah…I know…sorry about that.
Will: No…you expressed yourself very well…I appreciate it…and I owe you so much more than what I have given you.
Me: Yes.
Will: The thing is…I need to be selfish right now…and I think you understand that.
Me: Yes…I do. That was the point of “if/when you are ready.”
Will: Yes…but I owe you an explanation. I’m not happy right now. And I’ve been trying to get happy…trying to date you…and I just can’t get there. Things were so good for me not so long ago and I need to get my life back on track.
Me: Yes…you do….and I completely support what you are doing.
Will: I know that it’s just…I need to be this guy right now. I need to be this unhappy person. I just don’t even like myself right now.
Me: You have no idea how well I understand that. But…can we get to the point? Is this a break-up speech?
Will: You are sooo good at expressing yourself. I’m trying to. It’s hard.
Me: It’s a simple question Will…is this too much for you right now?
Will: Yes…it is. And I don’t want to get in the way of all the things you are doing. I know you have been where I am and I am sooo proud of you for all that you have accomplished. I don’t want to get in the way of that and I don’t want to bring you down.
Me: You might not believe this…but you really don’t…and there isn’t any way that you actually could.
Will: You are so strong.
Me: No…not really…I am…as you know…just a girl.
Will: Yes…you are definitely a girl. I just need to do this on my own…and I think you understand that.
Me: Unfortunately…I really do.
(Pregnant pause)
Me: OK. Well…your stuff is still here right where you left it. You can have it back any time you want it. I understand where you are coming from…and I’m going to miss you…but I want you to do what you need to do and I’m going to be OK.
Will: Are you running away now?
Me: (Thinking HUH?) Nooooo. I thought that is what you wanted…to do this on your own. I’m sorry…you’re really confusing me here.
Will: I just don’t feel like a man. I just don’t. And you have explained perfectly well how you feel about that…and I know none of what matters to me in that respect matters to you but I just cant wrap my mind around it. I have to feel like a man again and I don’t know how to do that…it could take years.
(Pregnant pause)
Me: Look. I know you’re struggling. I know you’re scared. I know surfing the bottom…feeling worthless…and that you’re afraid of dragging me into your funk but the fact of the matter is…that isn’t possible. I have such a full life. I have practically everything I want. The only thing I lack is someone to take care of…someone to bring coffee in bed too. And I need that. The mother in me has been underfed for so long and you filled that gap…for however brief a period it was…and I miss that…truly and completely miss that…it’s like a hole that I didn’t even realize was there until you came into my life. And I want you to need me more than I want anyone else in my life to need me. And I don’t fully know why you are the chosen one, but you are. And I know you don’t believe this, but I’m really happy when we’re together…even if when you’re depressed. Call it co-dependent…call it what you will…but we have a connection that I’ve just never felt with anyone else and when you feel that connection you can’t deny it.
Will: I know…I know just what you mean. We do have something special.
Me: (quietly) I don’t want to give up on you. I want to be with you.
Will: That is just so hard to believe…I don’t even want to be with me right now.
Me: Oh honey. Yeah. I know that one too. (Insert pause) What is so funny about this situation is that even though you won’t admit it you need someone to care for you and support you....and I need someone to care for and it’s just so amazing that two puzzle pieces that should fit together just don’t seem to be able to lock.
Will: I know.
Me: So what are we going to do?
Will: I don’t know…and I’m sorry I have to say this…but its really late and I have to be up really early.
Me: Yes…you do.
Will: Can we finish this another time?
Me: Yes. Get some sleep. Talk to you soon.
Will: OK. Good night.
Me: Good night.
He tried to end this then...and for some reason didn't. This isn't about me. It's about him. Funny enough...right now I feel free. I've been sitting on this fence for a long time. I don't want him to come back to me right now. Maybe someday...but not right now.
Those 22 CD's are still sitting on my floor. Those 22 CD's that he was so concerned about. Those 22 CD's that he saw or commented on every time he's come over since. Those 22 CD's he never grabbed on his way out.
Those 22 CD's still sitting on my floor.
3 comments:
This is really lovely and profound. I know it's nothing you want to hear, but I know you know it's the truth right now. TIME. Not much of a comfort when you're putting a pillow next to you on the bed so that it feels like someone is laying next to you. Not much of a comfort when you offer up kisses of affection to a big eyed cat rather than a brown eyed man... but Time is the only thing that going to make this work right now. The Most Impatient Person In The World knows how you feel. I empathize. I'm sorry.
An elderly, famous actor I used to go drinking with was a devout Buddhist. And his catch phrase was "It is what it is." Right now... limbo... it is what it is. I don't think it's as bad as it might feel. I think it's merely like having your car running but put in park. It's running... it's working... it's just not going anywhere right now.
That doesn't mean it won't in the future.
What first came to mind when I first read this was something I had either been told or read..."when someone leaves or forgets something behind at your house, it is their way of saying on a subconscious level that they want to come back". He says they are meaningful to him, yet leaves them at your place. If he was as angry with you as he appears to be acting, what is stopping him from coming over to get his stuff? At this point, I suspect he too is sitting on the fence. I also suspect he is angry at himself for his over reaction and feeling so crappy about his life and is taking it out on you.
However, as much as I want to offer encouragement and hope, I also wouldn't want to give you false expectations. He very well could phone and say he is coming to get them. I would venture to guess if that happens, he has landed on the off side of his fence and best for you to move forward. For that matter, you have a lot of things going for you - keep moving forward regardless! Either way, you will win.
I agree with you whole heartedly. I know the guy well enough by now to know how his head works. He is more mad at himself than he is at me. When he comes back to "reality" he'll feel bad and we'll talk. I care about the guy and hope that at the very least we can become friends. He needs me...and that scares him. He has no idea how "with him" I truly am. He can't fathom it.
My trainer says I should confront him and fight for it. My gut tells me I should just do my thing...which happens to be living a very full and rich life. If he calls me up to get his stuff I will return it, wish him well, and then lay back in the field and wait for the ladybugs :)
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